Over the Edge by Phillip Hoyle

Cringing, I wiped cobwebs from my face that day as if I were in a movie navigating the canoe downstream through an African jungle of reeds. Would we be attacked by crocodiles? Would snakes drop out of the trees? Would we be overturned by a hippopotamus? I certainly hoped not and knew boas, crocs, and hippos were in short supply along the Black River that flows through the desert south of Carlsbad, New Mexico.
 
“The water splits into two channels just ahead,” I shouted back to David. “It looks like more water goes to the left.”

“Then take it to the left.” So I guided the canoe into the passage past rocks and willows. Still no snakes; and then we were beyond the reeds with their spiders. We continued to paddle, not in a hurry, just looking at what lay ahead.

David and I enjoyed each other’s company. We were both ministers who shared leadership in religious education and got a kick out of being together. We were attending a ministers’ retreat at the Tres Rios Area Retreat Center not far from where the Black River emerges from Carlsbad Caverns in southeastern New Mexico. The prior evening the retreat group had made a short canoe trip upstream to where the water appears from beneath a dry, rocky riverbed. At breakfast David asked the retreat director if the river was navigable downstream and found out one could canoe about half a mile, then make a short portage, and then canoe another three quarters of a mile. 

“Would you be interested to go down the river with me?” he asked. 

“Sure,” I answered, although I am not particularly the outdoorsy type. Still, I liked spending time with this man. We had already been talking about how we hoped someday to find a mastodon tooth or other age-marking relic at this site on the western edge of the old Permian Sea Basin. Perhaps we would make our discovery on this trip.

During an afternoon break we walked to the canoe rack. I suggested we carry the canoe a few yards down the road to a place where I thought we could easily get it into the river and ourselves safely into the boat. David asked, “Why don’t we just put in here. The access looks easy, and the water’s barely moving.”

“But this seems quite a bit higher than where I was thinking,” I countered, my indoors preferences showing a little too clearly. “We’ll probably have to navigate through some riffles or walk in the water.” But we followed David’s suggestion and started our unusual adventure.

As we left the reeds I warned, “The stream separates here again. Looks like more water on the left.”

“Go for it,” David advised. We did. I ducked to avoid an overhanging tree branch, and when I looked ahead screamed, “It’s a waterfall!”

We plunged over the rocky edge dropping about five feet into a deep pool. I held my straw cowboy hat as the canoe went under and turned over. Sputtering, I bobbed to the surface, took a big breath, and grabbed for the canoe. “You okay, David?” I asked my likewise sputtering friend.

“Yeah. Boy that was a surprise.”

“Are you hurt?” 

“I don’t think so. I did bump my shin on the canoe. I’ll be fine,” he reassured me. “How about you?”

“I’m fine,” I lied as I found a foothold on a rock. The 50° F water came up to my neck. “I’m standing on the bottom here. If you hang onto the canoe I think the current will push you over to the shore. Then we’ll see if we can get the water out of the boat.”

We were successful and finally got the canoe righted and emptied. In the process I felt my right knee giving way. As the current continued to push against my leg, I tightened the muscles gripping the rock with my feet. What I didn’t tell David was that my knee had dislocated in the fall and was threatened to give out again. I was starting to feel chilled. I suggested David carefully hoist himself into the canoe while I held it secure against the shore. Then he held it while I slithered in like the jungle snake I had feared.

“I hurt my knee,” I admitted when I got safely aboard. “But I want to go on down to the first portage. I want to see the river. We can come back up here to get out.” I pulled off my shirt to wrap my knee and re-secured my lifejacket. The desert sun warmed me as we paddled downstream. 

Huge cottonwood trees provided shade over some of the river, and in these bosque giants blue herons nested. I’d never seen such large birds perched in trees. The whole area took on an exotic aura for me. As we drifted, sunfish jumped right next to the canoe. I wondered if anyone fished here. Surely few people had floated the river. As I examined the bank, I was fascinated by the way clusters of prickly pear cacti hung over the precipice like green waterfalls sometimes extending ten feet or more to the water’s edge. I thought of the mounds I’d once seen on the high bank above, ruins of the homes of people who lived in the area long before white or Spanish arrivals or even the Athabaskan Apaches migrations. I wondered at the history and the exotic, profligate beauty of this ancient desert terrain. 

When the river got too shallow, we turned back upstream, then dragged the canoe up the steep slope to the road. After we hoisted the canoe back onto the rack, I limped to the dormitory while David fetched ice and an ACE bandage from the kitchen. With my leg elevated, I lay back in an easy chair and told other retreat participants about our misadventure. Finally I closed my eyes playing back scenes from my own point of view richly embroidered by movie cuts from Saturday afternoon matinees of my childhood. 

Certainly this was an unusual day of adventure and new experiences, a singular time I will long remember and often retell. The waterfall threatens to grow higher, the river longer, and of course, my torn meniscus more painful. 

Denver 2010

About the Author

Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, giving massages, and socializing. His massage practice funds his other activities that keep him busy with groups of writers and artists, and folk with pains. Following thirty-two years in church work, he now focuses on creating beauty and ministering to the clients in his practice. He volunteers at The Center leading “Telling Your Story.”
He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com

Time by Merlyn

Time is still on my side and I try to live it without any fear of what comes next.

I believe that only thing that really matters for any human being is the time they spend on this earth and how they use it.

When my time is up and my life is over I know there will be a feeling of peace and understanding and acceptance of that ever comes next.

My first wife died three years ago along with most of my close friends from the first part of life. I have been lucky. I have never had anyone die that I was close to while they were still a part of my life. They just ran out of time.

Last Thursday a stock car racer I knew by the name of Dick Trickle, age seventy-one, died from a self-inflicted gunshot wound in a N.C., cemetery.

Trickle’s family said he had been suffering from pain that doctors couldn’t diagnose or stop, and that led him to commit suicide.

Dick Trickle was one of the best short-track drivers who ever lived, he won over a 1,000 races on small local tracks before he started racing in NASCAR at 48 years old an age when most drivers are thinking about retiring.

Trickle had a working cigarette lighter in every race car he drove so he could light up during the caution laps.
I will always remember sitting in a little restaurant and talking to Trickle outside a race track sometime in the 90s.
He was fighting a hangover holding a cup of coffee in one hand, smoking a cigarette and laughing about the party he had been to last night.

He drove out the cemetery that he wanted to be buried in called the cops and told them where to find his body, walked a little ways from his truck so no one had to deal with cleaning anything up, and he moved on.

He knew when his time was up and I know he ended his life without any fear of what comes next. That’s how he lived life when time was still on his side.

Time is still on my side and until the day that changes I plan on enjoying it.

About the Author

I’m a retired gay man now living in Denver Colorado with my partner Michael. I grew up in the Detroit area. Through the various kinds of work I have done I have seen most of the United States. I have been involved in technical and mechanical areas my whole life, all kinds of motors and computer systems. I like travel, searching for the unusual and enjoying life each day.

Closet Case by Gillian

What’s the difference between a Skoda car and a Jehovah’s Witness?
You can close the door on a Jehovah’s Witness.

Doors are what closets and closet cases are all about. And one thing you can say in defense of the closet, you have closed the door on yourself; you have the key in your pocket. It’s up to you when and if that door opens. There are other doors that close from the outside, and someone out there has the key.

A very closeted friend warned me, when I announced my plan to exit the closet,
“Think about it very carefully. Remember, you can’t go back. Once you come out, you are out for ever, like it or not, for good or ill.”
And of course she was right. That closet door, like the Skoda door, is either stuck wide open, exposing your sins to the world, or rusted shut since you de-closeted. You can’t go back in, to that dark, safe, if miserable, place you once inhabited.

Slamming that closet door firmly shut as I exited, in fact did me very little harm and a great deal of good, but that is not the story for everyone. Brave GLBT people lose families, jobs, friends; practically all of life as they had known it, and are still willing to pay that price for freedom from the closet and all it implies.

Betsy and I recently watched the movie, “Chely Wright: Wish Me Away.” This woman risked all in leaving the closet, and it cost her much of her very successful country music career and some of her family and friends, but it also offered huge compensations. None of the negatives were a shock; she knew what she was risking but she had to do what she had to do: a compunction most of us know only too well.
So, for most of us, no regrets about leaving that cold dark closet. For most of us in this time and place, that is.

I spent some months in Hungary at the time they were attempting to transition from Communism to Capitalism (yes, yes, I know, I should say to Democracy!)
World War Two is very in your face throughout Europe and I felt compelled to visit Auschwitz in nearby Poland.
I gazed at the photographs. Those pink triangles; those flesh free faces with fear filled eyes.
What the hell did I know of fear?

Those faces knew fear. Real fear.
And they could not return to the closet.
“Oh but it was just a phase, I’m OK now!” wouldn’t work any better for a homosexual than for a Jew.
“Well I thought I was Jewish for a while, but …. “
No. No escape.
They died for being what they were. At what stage of their journeys to Hell did they regret being “out?” For certain by the time they staggered under that Arbeit Macht Frei sign, but by then of course it was far too late. The closet option was long gone.

Alan Turing was responsible for breaking the German Enigma code during World War Two and is widely considered to be the father of computer science and artificial intelligence. He was a brilliant mathematician, but he was also gay, and homosexual activity was still illegal in postwar Britain. In 1952 he was arrested, and chose the offered alternative to a prison sentence, that of “chemical castration.” This meant taking large doses of estrogen, which messed with not only his body, but also his brilliant mind, and in 1954 he committed suicide.
At that time I still lived in England; in 1954 I was twelve years old.
No wonder I was so deep in the closet that my sexual orientation was a secret even from me.
In 2009, Prime Minister Gordon Brown made a public apology on behalf of the British government, for the “appalling way” in which Turing was treated.

Alas, not all governments have become so enlightened over time. In many countries homosexuality still results in a prison sentence, or indeed a death sentence as in Nigeria, Somalia, Mauritania, Sudan, the Arab Emirates, Saudi Arabia, Iran, Yemen, and parts of Indonesia

So as we live with pride, with our heads held high, as indeed we should, let us spare a moment for all those who were, in the past, or are, in the present, not granted such privileges.
Yes we are brave and yes we are strong. But things come in different degrees.

If we faced the horrors that so many of us have done, and still do, I, for one, fear I would be a confirmed closet case.

Gillian November 2012

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have now been with my wonderful partner Betsy for 25 years.