When I look in the
mirror at this time in my life I recognize someone that I’ve not acknowledged
throughout most of my life experience. Yes the image in the mirror reflects
someone who is maturing in age with lines surrounding the eyes and furrows
across the receding hairline depicting the experiences of a long and arduous
journey. The weathered skin, giving evidence to the effects of the brutal
Colorado sun. The hair has turned white.
And yet as I look at my image I see someone
vibrant and alive with desire, passion and energy expressed in the radiance of
the eyes and smile, as well as the demeanor that is reflected. It’s no
longer difficult to view my image without seeing qualities that I’ve refused to
consider in times past. I gaze with honor and respect for my
courageousness to not have given up on this journey. It’s easy to extend
love and acceptance to the one looking me squarely in the eye. I find me
desirable, not in a conceited way but in a way that allows me to wink as I
glimpse at the image, welcoming the one who knows me inside out, as I step into
the reflection that is me.
The one who gazes back at me in the reflection
is the one who has journeyed this entire life experience with me. The one in
the mirrors reflection is the one who knows me better than anyone else.
It’s this one, the one in the mirror that has been present in each moment of
life’s experiences, like a truly devoted and loving friend. It is the one
in the mirror that some spiritual teachers refer to as the Beloved, who has always
loved me. It is the one in the reflection that I have rejected time and
again and yet, he is always present, matching my gaze.
The images I was more customary to witnessing in
the reflection in the mirror were not positive. I would wonder how anyone
could ever see me as handsome or remotely desirable. I saw myself as a
phony and imposter. There were times when I would look in the mirror and
loathe the reflection that stared back.
Six years ago I stood in front of the mirror in
a locked bathroom. The shower was running, the faucets at the sink had been
turned on along with the fan that whirred as the steam was drawn from the
enclosed space. As the sound of the toilet marked its return from a recent
flush, I whispered to the one in the mirror, “I think I’m gay”.
Tears formed in the eyes of the one looking
back. I think I even detected an affirming wink. For the first time ever there
was a sense of safety and acceptance as our eyes exchanged views. We looked at
one another for a long time, afraid to break the intimate exchange that was
ours alone to experience. If ever I was to experience a homecoming, it was in
the moment of that exchange.
Six years ago, as this confidence was shared
with the Beloved, this life journey changed course allowing me to finally love
again the one who has always loved me. And in the experience of love,
forgiveness and compassion take back my life.
What was required was that I be willing to
get rid of the life that I had planned so as to have the life that was waiting
for me.
About the Author
Donny Kaye-Is a native born Denverite.
He has lived his life posing as a hetero-sexual male, while always
knowing that his sexual orientation was that of a gay male. In recent years he has confronted the
pressures of society that forced him into deep denial regarding his sexuality
and an experience of living somewhat of a disintegrated life. “I never forgot for a minute that I was what
my childhood friends mocked, what I thought my parents would reject and what my
loving God supposedly condemned to limitless suffering.” StoryTime at The Center
has been essential to assisting him with not only telling the stories of his
childhood, adolescence and adulthood but also to merely recall the stories of
his past that were covered with lies and repressed in to the deepest corners of
his memory. Within the past two years he
has “come out” not only to himself but to his wife of four decades, his three
children, their partners and countless extended family and friends. Donny is divorced and yet remains closely connected
with his family. He lives in the Capitol
Hill Community of Denver, in integrity with himself and in a way that has
resulted in an experience of more fully realizing integration within his life
experiences. He participates in many functions of the GLBTQ community.