Sorting It Out, by Ray S

Sorting, keeping and/or disposing of the lifetime of trash and memorabilia in the attic or basement.

When to make an ICU hospital visit
All of the above
World peace
World war
The bomb
What and who’s a bigot
The laundry
Why?
Love
Passion
Elevation
Dedication
Desire
Need
Anger
Denial
Procrastination
Challenge 
Decisions
Family
Friends
Sex

On a day like today I couldn’t know what, much less how to focus on one specific “sortable”. As you see there are so very many “ITS” for me that it is necessary to simply avoid any of this and go on my gay and merry way!

Tomorrow is another day.

© 8 May 2017

Dont!, by Phillip Hoyle

Surely back when I was a kid there was plenty of parental advice given, but I don’t remember much of it, certainly not many precautionary prohibitions starting with Don’t. Our parents trusted us kids—all five of us. We got freedom. A few years ago my youngest sister, Jewel, said of the folks, “They gave us too much freedom.” I was not sure what she meant but I did know that as a kid I had a life my parents knew little or nothing of. Then as a young teen that life was getting less illegal and more sinful. As an older teen it was more deplorable, but to describe my perspective more accurately, the deplorable self lived at peace with the non-deplorable self. I always liked the freedom, the lack of Don’ts, the trust merited or not.

My eldest sister, Lynn, advised, “If Dad gets angry, don’t argue, just listen.” He was mainly pleased with me, but one evening I had to follow her advice. My protracted goodbye at my girlfriend’s door went on too long. Perhaps Dad imagined I was kissing her too much while the truth was that I was trying to get up my courage to kiss her at all. I wanted to but couldn’t make myself do so. I followed Lynn’s advice when he scolded me in the car. He seemed angry that he had to wait on me. I listened and apologized without saying anything about what I was doing or unable to do, just for inconveniencing him.

My reluctance about kissing disappeared a couple of years later under the tutelage of a boyfriend. After going to his school which offered several classes and then his moving away, I finally kissed two different girls. One of them wondered what had got into me; the other expected that behavior from her boys. My second year in college I kissed Myrna much to her surprise. She got nervous and bit my ear. I thought she loved it and knew I was on my way to becoming a real man or something pathetic like that. I really enjoyed kissing her like my boyfriend had taught me and teaching her to enjoy it as well. Finally I understood what someone had written about French kissing: that it was the French answer to the need for birth control. We kissed passionately, and it did fill in for the Don’t factor for the two of us.

I prescribed a few don’ts for myself. Don’t try to answer all the teacher’s questions; doing so will only make other students despise you. Don’t forget to smile. Don’t forget to stand up for your own ideas in discussion. Don’t argue needlessly. Don’t overdress or underdress. But those are not terribly important.

Eventually I advised myself a Do. Do find a guy to do that really fun kissing with, and do it now.

© 22 May 2017

About the Author

Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.”

He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com

Maps, by Pat Gourley

It has now been nearly 37 years since the second national Radical Fairie Gathering here in Colorado in the late summer of 1980. That event was the brainchild of Don Kilhefner, Harry Hay, John Burnside, and Mitch Walker with logistical help from an energetic collective of gay fairies here in Denver.

There are many parts of that event that have stuck with me for these several decades but one in particular comes to mind from time to time. This recollection involves a workshop led by Harry Hay that I did not attend but that I got a first hand report on from James Broughton, the eclectic poet and film maker. I may have been too caught up in dealing with the endless stream of issues that arose before and throughout the gathering to get to this particular workshop. Pressing issues like why was only vegetarian food available and the decision to not have heated water for the showers, something of a logistical challenge but dismissed finally as too bourgeois.

Harry was always all about trying to get us to answer the question “who are we”. According to the workshop report I received from James, Harry had declared that afternoon that we were all Shamans. This seemed fitting I supposed at the time since the confab was called A Spiritual Gathering for Radical Fairies. There are many complex layers to being a Shaman but the one I relate to most is that of “healer”. I do think it is a very worthwhile endeavor on our part to explore the many traditional and contemporary roles we queers are so often disproportionally drawn to.

These often-queer related roles were explored in some detail in Christian de la Huerta’s wonderful 1999 book, Coming Out Spiritually. He delineated the following roles we are often drawn to:

· Catalytic Transformers: A taste for revolution

· Outsiders mirroring society

· Consciousness scouts: Going first and taking Risks

· Scared Clowns and eternal youth: A Gay Young Spirit

· Keepers of beauty: Reaching for the Sacred

· Caregivers: Taking for Each Other

· Mediators: The In-between people

· Shamans and Priests: Sacred functionaries

· The Divine Androgyne: An evolutionary role?

· Gatekeepers; Guardians of the Gates

So in the spirit of this week’s topic of “maps” I would like to add one more role that if I contort my logic enough could be one that underpins all of those listed above and that would be cartographer.

A cartographer of course is a mapmaker. Maps are used to find one’s way from here to there. The larger society certainly has not historically, and is only now just beginning, to provide us with any positive space to get in touch with “whom we are”. I would dare to say that of the roles identified by de la Huerta all are initially engaged in as attempts to map our way. Forms of self-expression that often blossom into roles of great benefit to ourselves and society as a whole.

How do we find our way out from under the suffocating heterosexual cocoon we are born into? I would say it is by being the very creative cartographers we have learned to be. The maps are many and varied some written down but many come in the rich forms of oral history we have developed. What is this SAGE story telling group really but a form of mapmaking and sharing?

All of our maps provide guidance in answering those initial Mattachine questions of “who are we, where did we come from and what are we for”. In whatever forms our maps really are, at their most base level, they are the means for ‘pointing the way’. They are not forms of recruitment but rather loving crumbs left along the path to queer enlightenment by those who have come before, back to our earliest human ancestors. Our job as queer cartographers of course leads to these roles that have great altruistic benefit to the whole dance that is sentient life on earth.

© March 2017

About the Author

I was born in La Porte, Indiana in 1949, raised on a farm and schooled by Holy Cross nuns. The bulk of my adult life, some 40 plus years, was spent in Denver, Colorado as a nurse, gardener and gay/AIDS activist. I have currently returned to Denver after an extended sabbatical in San Francisco, California.

Maps: Scotland and the Presbyterian Church by Louis Brown

Last week one of our fellow authors made a harmless remark about the Presbyterian Church. I know Telling Your Story does not actually have a religious purpose. Nevertheless, a few interesting things have been happening in the world of American Christian churchdom. To celebrate this month, Women’s History Month, March 2017, you might want to choose to read The Red Tent (1997) by Anita Diamant. It is the story of Dinah, daughter of Jacob, and the plot takes place in the pre-Decalogue days of ancient Jewish history. Women had to go to live in the Red Tent once a month during menstruation and to go there to have their babies with the assistance of the numerous midwives.

Dinah was a midwife. Dinah finally decides to marry Shalem, son of the king of Shechem, fortified city in Egypt. Shalem and a large number of the adult men in Schechem are murdered by Simon and Reuben, two of Jacob’s sons. These two also strip brother Joseph of his colorful coat and toss him into a well. Joseph has the power of interpreting dreams so is taken up by the king of Egypt and is made into a Vizier. The Pharaohs come later. The plot goes on and on with war, betrayal, murder and generally a picture of a really blood-stained history of primitive society. It is an extremely well-written book and celebrates women, all women.

Another religious book worth noting is The Shack (2007) by William Paul Young. A 50 year old religious man, Mackenzie Phillips (“Mack”) whose wife Nan refers to God as Papa, goes on an outing with his three children in an Oregon woods near Multnomah Falls, and a murderer abducts his 6 year old daughter Melissa and murders her. Local Police and even the FBI go on a search for the girl and find her blood-stained dress in a Shack. Mack looks at the red dress and is horrified. Mack gets very angry with God for permitting such a crime to have taken place. Why wasn’t God there to protect his daughter? A few months later Mack received a short note from “Papa” (from God?) asking him to come to the Shack, the scene of the last sign of Missy (Melissa) was found.

Mack doubted the note actually came from God but accepted the invitation, and went with a gun in case the note was a ruse, a note sent by the murderer of Melissa or other malefactor. Once Mack gets to the Shack, he falls asleep and has a dream in which he visits with God, a black woman, the Holy Spirit, an Asian woman and with Jesus. He quarrels with God, but assists Sarayu, the Holy Spirit, with arrangements for his daughter’s burial. He finds the location of his daughter’s cadaver by following red signs on rocks and trees that the murderer had previously placed there. The new male God assists Jake with this discovery.

Mack wakes up from his dream, goes with the local police and discovers Missy’s body lying in a cave. I saw the movie of this book and everybody wept when Missy gets buried in a graveyard that was heavily decorated with flowers bay Sarayu. The Shack was an unusually well-written story. It discusses Christianity honestly.

If you recall, the other religious work that impressed me was the poetry of Rumi. Last night on MSNBC I saw a documentary about a Scottish doctor who got a job with his wife Riyadh, Saudi Arabia. The Scottish doctor was gay. When he got to Riyadh, he was forced to live in a dirty apartment, and, when he tried to make contact with any of a large number of willing same-sex partners, the religious police caught on to him, they spied on him, then threatened to send him to jail. Arabian homophobia does not come from the Koran, in my opinion, it comes from the Arabian government trying to brown-nose Queen Victoria, our true larger enemy.

Speaking of Scotland, the Church of Scotland is the Presbyterian Church. Donald Trump is a Scottish Presbyterian whereas my family were English Presbyterians. The Presbyterian Church is said to be the boring church. I am spiritually a Presbyterian, although, since I do not own property or have a million dollars in the bank, I actually do not qualify to become a “real” member of the Presbyterian Church which is ever so slightly snobby. But I am still knocking on their doors.

I descend from the Reverend Robert Brown who obtained his MDiv (Master of Divinity) from the University of Glasgow in 1725 and also from the right reverend James Bishop Wilcox who established the Presbyterian seminary in Middlebury, Vermont around 1830. Reverend Robert Brown became an itinerant minister in Northern Ireland. James Bishop Wilcox married a certain Prudence Aldrich and had many children, however, many of these children were still-born. In the daguerreotype from around 1835 I used to have of Prudence Aldrich, she looked very bitter in a Puritanical sort of way. My grandmother told me that was because of the many miscarriages she suffered.

© 20 March 2017

About the Author

I was born in 1944, I lived most of my life in New York City, Queens County. I still commute there. I worked for many years as a Caseworker for New York City Human Resources Administration, dealing with mentally impaired clients, then as a social work Supervisor dealing with homeless PWA’s. I have an apartment in Wheat Ridge, CO. I retired in 2002. I have a few interesting stories to tell. My boyfriend Kevin lives in New York City. I graduated Queens College, CUNY, in 1967.

My Gay Husband, by Jude Gassaway

Just because I am rather Butch, do not assume that I don’t have a man husband.

In the Spring of 1987, I went to the Desert & Mountain States Lesbian & Gay Conference in Albuquerque, where I met Hal and his partner, Gene, hosts for the event. Even though Hal could not direct me to a place in town where I might ‘parknik’ and spend the night for free in my truck, he was prescient in his advice to a strange Lesbian: that the entertainment for Saturday night, although a pair of men, was actually geared to both men’s and women’s senses of humor; and was not a man-only event. Romanofsky and Phillips was a good show.

I spent the night in the high school auditorium’s parking lot, for free.

The next year, the D&MS L&G conference was held in Denver. I arrived early and immediately ran into Hal. He demanded that we exchange last names, phone numbers, and addresses, right there, and he issued a standing invitation: Whenever doing any geology or travel in New Mexico, to be sure to stop by for a shower, laundry, fresh water, and I could sleep in his driveway, for free. Plus, the person who lived in the host city was responsible for finding a superb Thai restaurant, for a soon to be traditional Saturday night dinner, which I was able to do (Thai Heip).

The first Seminar that I attended was led by BJ Peck, a local therapist. Titled: Alcohol and 12-step programs. There were a dozen chairs arranged in a circle. I sat at 8 o’clock, and watched the others arrive. The attendees were all women I knew from Denver, some therapists, and others from the Denver Women’s Chorus, from the Women’s Coming Out Group at the Center, and from local AA groups. There was an empty chair to my left. Just as BJ got up to close the door and start the meeting, Hal walked by, caught my eye, and he came in and occupied the last seat, next to me. Hal was not known to the others in the room.

BJ started the introductions which included our reasons for being there, and we went clockwise around the room. Just like an AA Meeting: “Hi, my name is Jude and I am an alcoholic. I attend the Gay AA groups, and my interest in this group is to see what other recovery groups there are in Denver, and….” turning to the man on my left, I continued, “This is my husband, Hal.”

Hal, being both adult and sober, was able to introduce himself and proceed as if he hadn’t just gotten married to a Lesbian. We have been married ever since.

We communicate by frequent e-mails (calling each other Husby and Wiffi). Sometimes, Hal calls me his “Sweet Petunia Blossom”. This year is our 29th Anniversary.

© May 2017

About the Author

Retired USGS Field Geologist.
Founding member, Denver Womens Chorus 


Eavesdropping, by Gillian

I say the days of
eavesdropping are over. Like so many other things, it is obsolete; extinct.
Voices yell intimacies into smartphones, while people’s every thought, word,
and deed, flood from Facebook and Twitter. We have entered an era more of anti-eavesdropping;
of trying not to hear the intimate details of everyone’s life; their
every opinion. Not long after the last Superbowl a friend and I met for lunch.
The business- men at the next table were so raucous in their analysis of the
game that we had to move to another table. Next to that one, two women talked
incessantly, almost as loud as those men, not to each other but into their
phones. Eavesdropping, if you can even use the term, has become obligatory.
As a kid, especially
being an only child, I loved to eavesdrop. I recall clearly one conversation on
a bus. The young couple in the seat in front of me had a very emotional, if
whispered, argument over whose fault it was that the girl was pregnant. I got
quite an education. The last time I rode a bus, which actually was to get to
Cheesman Park for the start of this year’s Pride Parade, a young guy yelled
abuse into his iPhone the entire trip. Apparently, his girlfriend was pregnant,
and, very apparently, he was displeased. He repeatedly called her a ‘fucking
stupid bitch’, occasionally switching to ‘stupid fucking bitch’, which seemed
to exhaust his vocabulary. I really didn’t want to hear it. I hurriedly shoved
in my earbuds and turned on my iPod. Definitely we are in the
anti-eavesdropping era.
I was first taught to
eavesdrop by my parents. They listened constantly to Mother Nature, who never
stops talking. Through them, I learned to relish birdsong, which of course is
eavesdropping. They aren’t singing to me – they sing to each other, or perhaps to
themselves simply for the glory of the welcome light of morning. Mum and Dad
taught me to listen to the whispers of the wind in the trees, or the howling of
it against the window panes, and to know what it meant for tomorrow’s weather.
From my aunt, and later from a wonderful teacher in high school, I learned to
listen to the whispers of the rocks. They also never stop talking, but oh so
quietly. If you can manage to hear them, they tell the amazing history of our
planet, and they tattle-tale on Mother Nature herself. They give away her age.
As far as our planet is concerned, at least, she is middle-aged; half way
between birth and her life-expectancy of nine billion years. The rocks tell us
that dinosaurs once roamed right here, where we sit this Monday afternoon. (Not
exactly here, on the second floor, but you get my drift!)
But there’s something up
with old Ma Nature. She’s not as quiet as she used to be. Her whispers became
louder. Over the more recent decades she has begun not only to talk out loud but
even to shout. She knows something. She wants us to know. But we don’t listen.
We are well into the
anti-eavesdropping era.
We really don’t want to
hear it.
We put on our headphones
and turn up the music.
Mother Nature is
desperate. We must hear her. She will be OK, as will the planet, at
least for another five billion or so years, but we must save ourselves.
She tosses tumultuous tornado swarms at us to wake us up, and hurls humongous
hurricanes to get our attention. We ignore her. In 2003 as many as 70,000
deaths in Europe were attributed to record heat. In June last year London hit
it’s highest temperature on record, at 103. TV shots showed train tracks
buckling in the heat. But this July as I tried to watch the tennis at
Wimbledon, (I say ‘tried’ because it was rained out day after day) London was
treated to the wettest month on record. Last year’s heat waves in India,
Pakistan, and parts of South America broke all records. Australia has had to
add new colors to weather maps to accommodate temperatures never experienced
before. Climate craziness.
2015 also brought heat
records to Alaska and parts of the American southwest. Meanwhile we recently
had record rainfall in China, and across this country from Texas to Washington
D.C.
And still we hear nothing.
Mother Nature might as
well be silent for all the attention we pay.
Flames roar from the
forests on every continent. Even as I write this, sitting on the patio, I smell
in the air the smoke from the Boulder County fire. Another fire blazes on
Hayden Pass, Colorado, which they do not expect to contain before October.
Mother nature absolutely
screams.
Still we do nothing.
A few years ago,
residents of several Polynesian nations banded together in a desperate attempt
to get the world to care about their islands, which were, and of course still
are, disappearing into the Pacific. In their traditional hand-hewn wooden
boats, they temporarily were able to block the mouth of the Australian harbor
from which a huge coal-ship was ready to leave. The coal was destined for the
huge hungry mouths of the Chinese coal-fired energy plants, whose energy goes
to fill the huge hungry mouths of the endless factories producing goods for the
endless huge hungry mouths  of the world’s
insatiable consumer appetites. Don’t blame Australia. Don’t blame China.
There’s plenty of guilt to go round. We are all guilty. I still drive my car,
and occasionally I fly on a plane which is exponentially worse for the
environment. Those south-sea islanders get it. It’s in your face down there;
quite literally. When that beautiful blue ocean which once lapped at your feet,
starts to slap you in the face, you get it.
Hopeful-sounding treaties
are signed every now and then, after endless wrangling, but always making
agreements for future goals, not demanding big decisive action now. It
all smacks, to me, of the alcoholic who intends to quit drinking once he’s
finished this last bottle of whisky. No! He has to quit now. Poor out
the rest. We are all addicts, hooked on our lifestyles and standards of living.
We need to quit now, not when we’ve smoked that last carton of
cigarettes. If we don’t start hearing Mother Nature’s cries right now,
it will be too late.
What if that man on the
bus was not shouting abuse at his girlfriend, but yelling to me; to all the
passengers? ‘Fire! Fire! The bus is on fire. Get out now. Fire! Fire!’
I ignore him. I do
nothing. All the people on the bus do nothing.
I don my noise-canceling
headphones, turn up the music and go into anti-eavesdropping mode, breathing in
the billowing smoke.
We would all say, that is
just insane, suicidal, behavior.
Wouldn’t we?
© July 2016 
About
the Author
 
I was born and
raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S.
and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder
area since 1965, working for 30-years at IBM. I married, raised four
stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself
as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty-years.
We have been married since 2013.

Connections, by Gail Klock

This is an extremely
difficult topic for me to write about because it reaches into the deepest
places of pain within my psyche. There have been many times in my life when I
have felt extremely isolated, lacking a connection to anyone. I was the little
child in kindergarten who chose to work on jigsaw puzzles during chose time
because it was the only activity which involved no interaction with others, all
the time hearing the other kids laughing and playing and wanting to be with
them. In college, when on a camping trip with a class, I laid awake all night
feeling totally isolated with others all around me, I felt like I was losing my
mind. It was one of the longest nights in my life. The terror I was feeling was
due to the fact I felt isolated, but I was too afraid to admit it. In both
instances, and others like them, if I had only been able to reach out and say
help me, I would have been okay. But I had learned to lock my fears away, I
knew they were not to be hung out like dirty laundry. I came from a very stoic
German family which mistakenly didn’t ask for help, even when it was needed.
There was instead a false sense of pride in handling, or appearing to handle,
all life’s trauma’s by ourselves. The reality was we all needed help,
especially when Karl died at the age of two. Of course back in the fifties this
type of help was not advocated or available. My dad’s yelling at my mom not to
cry on the way to Karl’s funeral was not because he was a heartless bastard, it
was because he was such a sensitive man, who loved this little child so much
and his wife and his other children and he couldn’t deal with his own pain,
much less take on and help the rest of us deal with ours, which he felt was his
responsibility because he was the man of the house. These feelings never left
him, they choked him until the day he died. When he was in hospice, a few weeks
after my mother had unexpectedly died, he lamented to me he felt so guilty and
helpless because he wasn’t there for her when she passed away. He was referring
to the evening of the night when she died in her sleep. She had collapsed in
the bathroom and he didn’t have the physical strength to help her up so he had
to call the neighbors to help him get her up and to bed. He didn’t realize he
had been there for her; he had nearly died the day after Christmas, just a
month before, but after a week stay in the hospital he unexpectedly made it
home. She had told all of us that she was not going to let my dad die first,
she couldn’t handle the death of another person she loved so much. She prayed
nightly, and I think quit taking her heart meds, for this to be the case. She
died precisely as she prayed for, in her own bed, in her own home, next to her
husband. My dad was there for her, by making the call for help to the
neighbors, he provided the means to her prayers.
It was as this four year
old child that I began to surmise that when in pain you don’t cry and you don’t
ask for help. This was solidified further by my mother’s inability to provide
emotional support to me or my brother due to her own debilitating grief. This
was the point in my life when I began to experience a lack of connection with
others. This was triggered once again when I was in college and became aware of
my homosexuality. I instinctively knew, as did my girlfriend, not to reveal our
relationship to anyone else. And in the hiding of who I was I was once again
isolated from society, I could sense the darkness beginning to overtake me but
I didn’t want to ask for help and I doubted there was any to be found. After
all I had learned in my psychology class that homosexuality was a mental
illness and I couldn’t face the label of being mentally ill. This was further
exacerbated by the fact my grandmother had been in the state mental hospital in
Pueblo and no one in the family understood why. None of us ever knew the
diagnoses – but I did know from my visits to the hospital with my mom that I
didn’t want to be sent there. It was very frightening to me as a child to
realize my grandmother was locked up. So to avoid a similar fate, I ironically
locked myself up, tighter and tighter. The longer I stayed in the closet the
more I felt disconnected from mainstream society.
When I experience this
feeling of disconnect I am unable to feel, it is as though I am locked away
from everything, including myself. It is sometimes difficult to access the key
which frees me from my emotional shackles and allows me to deal with the
feelings which I am blocking. I have learned through years of therapy that I
need to let myself feel the underlying feelings, which are either sadness or
fear. It has taken me years to learn this and also to learn these negative
feelings are not permanent and that it is normal to experience them.  I know this and most of the time I can do it,
but I wish I could do it all the time and more quickly.
I have also learned that
life presents us with lots of self-fulfilling moments, that is to say if I go
into a situation expecting it to be enjoyable and thinking people will like me
and want to connect with me, they do. And likewise if I anticipate the opposite
I generally leave thinking I had been right, I was going to have an unenjoyable
time, I wasn’t going to connect with others, and I didn’t. It’s that old bit of
seeing a group of people laughing and looking at you. You might think, “They’re
all looking at me and think I look fat in my outfit”, or you might think “They
look like a fun group of people who like to laugh, I think I’ll join them.”
Sunday mornings for the
past twelve years, minus a few months here and there, and Monday afternoons for
the past two and a half years, have been an immensely important source of
connection for me. I know when I walk into the Golden Recreation Center on Sundays
and the Center on Monday afternoons I will feel connected with whomever I
encounter there, be it a woman with a basketball or a fellow storyteller with a
story. Feeling a sense of connection and the inherent sense of acceptance by my
friends is what makes life worth living.
© 17 April 2017 
About
the Author
 
I grew up in Pueblo, CO with my two brothers and parents.
Upon completion of high school, I attended Colorado State University majoring
in Physical Education. My first teaching job was at a high school in Madison,
Wisconsin. After three years of teaching I moved to North Carolina to attend
graduate school at UNC-Greensboro. After obtaining my MSPE I coached
basketball, volleyball, and softball at the college level starting with Wake
Forest University and moving on to Springfield College, Brown University, and
Colorado School of Mines.
While coaching at Mines my long-term partner and I had two daughters
through artificial insemination. Due to the time away from home required by
coaching, I resigned from this position and got my elementary education
certification. I taught in the gifted/talented program in Jefferson County
Schools for ten years. As a retiree, I enjoy helping take care of my
granddaughter, playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the
storytelling group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT
organizations.
As a retiree, I enjoy helping take care of my granddaughter,
playing senior basketball, writing/listening to stories in the storytelling
group, gardening, reading, and attending OLOC and other GLBT organizations.

A Caveat Should Not Precede an Essay, by Cecil Bethea

A caveat should not precede an essay,
but I should like the gentle reader to know my memory is not only fragile but
also forgetful.  Too these events too
between fifty and sixty years ago. 
During that length of time a man could easily be conceived, born, reach
adulthood, marry, become a father and even a grandfather.  Also you are dealing a fairly normal and
average human being not the third law of thermodynamics which always acts as
expected.
My first adventure unfolded when I
was not even a practicing much less an adept homosexual.  I had gotten out of the Air Force and went
down to the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa to see my long time friend Van
who was working on his Master’s in history.
At that time Tuscaloosa had not been wet very long.  True the city had never been dry more like
very damp what with the Northport Fruit Stand being open to all hours and quite
willing to supply a list of potables. 
Nothing too fancy.  I didn’t know
anybody who drank Scotch, never heard of tequila, couldn’t afford Piper Heidsieck.  My needs had also been
supplied by rum runs to Birmingham. 
There were few bars in Tuscaloosa,
but Van knew one out on the outskirts.  I
remember little about the place because it had little to remember.  We sat a table, drank beer, reminisced, told
unshared experiences.  The clientele was
college students being college students. 
Talking sincerely the problems of the world.  Proving that all their profs were
dullards.  Showing off their knowledge of
German, French, or Spanish/ No Russian or Chinese in those distant days.  Of course every one who disagreed with them
was an idiot.  I know this because I’ve
heard college students talk since then. 
The tables were small about 18 inches across with just enough room to
hold an ashtray and several beer bottles. 
The circumstances meant that you could easily hear or partake in your
neighbors’ conversation.
Having not seen each other for two
years, Van and I had much to discuss, so we ignored our neighbors.  Somehow or another two unknown men younger
than we started talking with us.  One
look at the two told me that they were probably from the football team.  Why they wanted to talk with us was beyond me
because we had such dissimilar interests. 
In fact, I wondered why ever did he want to talk to me. 
He didn’t.  Van saw some people he knew and went over to
their table leaving me alone with the two football players.  This was to be my one and only conversation
with football players.  Somewhere in that
night, I learned their sport and that one was the quarterback.  Hereinafter, he’ll be known as the QB.  Also, he was a mediocre QB at least by
Alabama’s standards.  They were much
weightier than I, who was about the same size then as now which meant that I
was heavily outmatched by one much less two. 
Of course, I can chatter away like crazy to anybody; whether they can
understand me is another matter. 
Finally, the QB said he wanted to
have sex with me.  I did not answer with
shouts of “What kind of man do you think I am?” 
It wasn’t necessary; I knew exactly what sort of man he thought I was.  Of course, I demurred to no avail.  Without my acquiesce, he said he’d knock me
to the floor and tell everybody that I’d propositioned him.  Had the case gone to court, the QB could have
pled rage induced by a homosexual.  Fifty
years ago, it probably would have stood up in court especially when used by the
quarter back of the Crimson Tide. 
Pleadings did no good; possibly he enjoyed them. 
He said to go to the men’s room and
followed me across the floor outside.  I
cannot remember why, but you had to go outside to reach the comfort station.  The QB had locked the door but had yet to unzip.
 Before anything could happen, Van came
running out.  He yelled through the door
that he had to leave immediately.  The
quarterback said to tell him to go away, I did, Van said he couldn’t leave me
out there in the middle of nowhere and started beating on the door and
yelling.  I was freed.  Van and I ran to the car, sped off with
squealing tires, and returned to his place by a tortuous route.
My next experience took place years
[later] in Denver out at Vivian’s Den out at 17th and Federal.  Although it fronted onto Federal, nobody
entered that way, we all came through the back door from the parking lot.  Just inside the door was a level about twenty-five
feet long with a jagged bar to the right. 
Beyond that was a step down to the area that contained a pool
table.  Next was a step up which led to
the front door with the two rest rooms on either side.
One night, probably a Tuesday because
only four or five of us were sitting at the bar with Leo as bartender.  He was the best gay bartender I’ve ever known:
very outgoing, always talking with the customers, knew when your drink needed
replenishing, never ignoring the paying customers while chatting up a possible
trick.  We were sitting strung out along
the bar talking about all sorts of things about the way we do at the Tuesday
concave.  Four young men entered the bar,
bought drinks, and went to playing pool. 
Never have seen the quartet before, I ignored them.  Besides I was enjoying the conversation.
Eventually I had to go.  I went to the pool area where I waited for
the shooter to shoot and for his ball to stop rolling as good manners
dictated.  Then with no acknowledgment of
the players, I went to the restroom and without locking the door, probably
didn’t even close it.  There I stood with
the seat down and me unzipped and doing my business before the commode.  Suddenly somebody came into the room.  Without stopping I turned to see one of the
pool players.  He immediately said either
“You God damned queer!” or “You fucking Queer!” but he certainly used the noun
queer.  All this time he was pounding on
my face with his fists.  Meanwhile I got
through the door unzipped, wetting myself, bleeding from what was a split lip
and what would be a blackened eye, pass the other three pool players to the
safety of my own kind.  Leo made motions
of calling the police but didn’t.
The young people today might wonder
why we like Socrates stoically accepted our fate.  That was another time, another clime.  That was the way life was for Gays.  Knowing this, we made adjustments to our
lives knowing that we never called the police, knowing that if our names were
in a newspaper article our jobs were forfeit, knowing that we could be kicked
out of the military in a full-dress parade. 
Our leases could be abrogated for our felonious conduct.  Picking up a man could result in jail
time.  But being young was very heaven
and salved our souls.
© 31 Oct
2010
 
About the Author  
 Although
I have done other things, my fame now rests upon the durability of my
partnership with Carl Shepherd; we have been together for forty-two years and
nine months as of today, August 18th, 2012.
Although
I was born in Macon, Georgia in 1928, I was raised in Birmingham during the
Great Depression.  No doubt I still carry
invisible scars caused by that era.  No
matter we survived.  I am talking about
my sister, brother, and I.  There are two
things that set me apart from people. 
From about the third-grade I was a voracious reader of books on almost
any subject.  Had I concentrated, I would
have been an authority by now; but I didn’t with no regrets.
After
the University of Alabama and the Air Force, I came to Denver.  Here I met Carl, who picked me up in Mary’s
Bar.  Through our early life, we traveled
extensively in the mountain West.  Carl
is from Helena, Montana, and is a Blackfoot Indian.  Our being from nearly opposite ends of the
country made “going to see the folks” a broadening experience.  We went so many times that we finally had
“must see” places on each route like the Quilt Museum in Paducah, Kentucky and
the polo games in Sheridan, Wyoming.  Now
those happy travels are only memories.
I was
amongst the first members of the memory writing class.  While it doesn’t offer criticism, it does
offer feedback.  Also, just trying to
improve your writing helps no end.
Carl
is now in a nursing home; I don’t drive any more.  We totter on.

Birthdays, by Betsy

The following is an imaginary voice from the Universe heard
inside a woman’s uterus by a viable life preparing for its day of birth.
“Now is the time for you to make your choice.  You may choose from these two options: gay or
straight.  In other terms—homosexual or
heterosexual.  Before you decide, let me
explain the consequences of your choice.
“If you select the gay option you will have many obstacles
in your life that you otherwise would not have. You will be considered abnormal
by many people from the start, you could very easily find yourself being
discriminated against by employers, landlords, merchants, and service
providers. The law may possibly not offer any recourse for you if and when you
are discovered depending on how the movement goes and the state of civil
rights.  You could actually be put in
jail if you are found out.
“You may feel constrained to stay in the closet for a long,
long time, maybe forever. That means denying your truth to yourself and to
others. This could have a serious impact on your emotional and mental health—possibly
on your physical health as well.
“If you try to express your sexuality and live as the
person you are; i.e. live as an openly gay person, you risk your safety,
security, and wellbeing. You will keep your self-esteem and self-respect
however. But there may be a price to pay for that.
“If you select the straight option life should be easier
for you.  You will derive benefits from
marrying a person of the opposite sex. As a woman, you will be safe if you serve
him well.  You will be secure if you do
his bidding.  You will have no difficult
choices to make because they will all be made for you and to your advantage if
you stay in line.  The only risk for you
is that you might screw up because you don’t realize that you have all the
advantages. 
“As I said, it’s your choice.”
The above scenario is, of course, absurd. None of this would
happen because this choice is not available to us. This choice is never given
to any of us before birth. We are born LGBTQ or heterosexual or gender fluid or
whatever else yet to be defined—whatever else exists on the sexuality
spectrum. 
The choice is made when we become aware, conscious, of
ourselves—our feelings, what drives us, with whom we fall in love. We make the choices
later in life when we understand that there IS a choice— and that choice, as we
all know, is not who we ARE by birth, but whether or not we choose to LIVE as
an expression of who we are.
Personally, I understand very well the consequences of
denying who I am and living as someone I am not. Once I became aware of my
sexual orientation I was able to make that choice, respect myself, and be happy
and fulfilled. 
Those who wish to change us LGBTQ’s, punish us, put us
away, or whatever, seem to imagine that we all experience the above in-utero
scenario and we should be punished or, at least, forced to change because we
made the wrong choice.  We made the
choice in-utero and were born gay yes on our first birthday, because we chose
to. REALLY!  Or, if they do not accept
that absurdity, they want to punish us for expressing our real selves—for
living as gay people.
I choose to live in a world which accepts every newborn
baby for exactly what it is—everything that it is.  I choose to welcome every life into this
world as perfect as I did one week ago my first great grandchild.
You know, I’m convinced he’s gay because of the way he
waved when he was born. Then when he started primping his bald head his mother
and grandmother and Auntie Gill were convinced too.  He’s lucky. He knows he is loved by us all—gay
or straight.
© 14 Nov 2016 
About the Author 
Betsy has been active in
the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old
Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been
retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major
activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a
volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading,
writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage.
She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren.
Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her
life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.

A Defining Word, by Ricky

People use words to communicate.  In spite of a few of my acquaintances whom
never refer to me as a person, person of interest or disinterest, I use words
to communicate.  It behooves all people
to communicate accurately by using words whose meaning everyone
understands.  Those of us who have (or
still have at our senior age) a large vocabulary and can actually remember the
words when we need them, hold a big advantage over those persons with a limited
vocabulary – this category does not include young children whose minds are
trans sponge and cis blackholes.  Any
parent can testify to the reality of that fact. 
Perhaps you can remember a time when you were small or when your young
child accurately used or asked for the meaning of a “colorful” word while your mother was standing nearby – words
like: shit, cock, fuck, bitch, son-of-a-bitch, gay, lesbian, homo, or
pervert.  A child’s vocabulary expands
very rapidly indeed.  Especially when
following a child’s inquiry, the adult blurts out “Where the hell did you hear that word?”  The answer is nearly always, “From you
Daddy.”  At this point, you get a very
very stern look from your mother who
is still standing nearby.  (Add “hell” to
the previous word list.)  By the way,
does anyone know why little children seem to delight in saying those words at
the most embarrassing time, place, and circumstance?
While growing up from age 10 forward, I spent many hours of
my summer vacation from school reading for recreation to pass the time I consumed
babysitting my twin brother and sister.  I
had many opportunities to interrogate a dictionary to obtain the meaning of a
word, if I could not deduce its meaning from the context of the usage.
If I didn’t know how to spell a word in elementary school, my
teachers would always tell me to look it up in the dictionary.  I always retorted, “How can I look it up if I
don’t know how to spell it?”  I finally
quit asking and just tried to figure out a way to write my assignment without
using that particular word.
At one time I was a good speller.  I never won the class spelling bee but I was
often 2nd.  When I graduated
high school, my ability to spell began to fade away.  Now I depend on my computer’s ability to know
what I am trying to communicate and to spell all the words correctly and place
them into proper grammatical position. 
I’ve discovered that usually the computer and I are both week in the
grammar area.
Communicating by pronouncing words correctly (making allowances
for regional dialects and not writing a homonym for the correct word) is
equally important for presenting a positive image to others along with having
your message correctly understood. 
Perhaps you can remember President George W. Bush’s mangling of English
(some may call it misspeaking or misquoting). 
“Dubya” attended some prestigious schools:  Harvard Business School, Yale University, The
Kinkaid School, Phillips Academy, and Yale College.  Yet his mangling (there I said it again) of
the language does not reflect well on those institutions or upon the Texas
education system, which already has major problems of its own.  It goes without saying (but I’ll say it
anyway) it does not reflect well upon him either.
Words are used to label things and people.  However, labels do not define a thing.  Poorly paraphrasing Shakespeare, labeling a
rose a skunk, does not accurately call to mind its sweet smell.  Placing a label on a person does not
accurately define who or what that person is like and the danger of mislabeling
someone is all too great.  People are too
complex to be categorized by a label. 
Humans are more than just words.
I am tired of writing on this topic so here is the defining
word of the day, “supercalifragilisticexpialidocious”.  If you don’t know what it means, look it up
in a dictionary or just watch Disney’s “Mary Poppins”.
© 22 Feb 2016 
About the Author 
I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale
and then in Redondo Beach.  Just prior to
turning 8 years old in 1956, I was sent to live with my grandparents on their
farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents
divorced.
When united with my mother and stepfather two years later
in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California,
graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966.  After three tours of duty with the Air Force,
I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until
her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11-2001
terrorist attack.
I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010.   I find writing these memories to be
therapeutic.
My story blog is: TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com