Time and Preparation, by Gillian

This grungy old green tote bag I schlep all my junk in every Monday came as a gift from The Denver Office of Emergency Management and Homeland Security when, about ten years ago, I took a class rather grandiosely titled CITIZEN EMERGENCY RESPONSE TRAINING. It was actually pretty basic, but it did inspire me to a certain basic level of preparedness. No, Betsy and I are not about to go and live in a cave in the wilderness where we have hauled enough supplies for a year, accompanied by enough guns and ammo to fight off the hungry hordes who failed to prepare. But I do believe, especially in these uncertain times, a little planning is worthwhile.

And no, I don’t lose sleep worrying over alien invasions (from this planet or any other) or, where we live, floods. Earthquakes and tornadoes are always possible but not huge threats right here. My main concern is our infamous Grid. I fear The Grid could easily fail us. Natural disasters or computer hackers could equally easily bring it down. And no, I don’t necessarily mean the real Doomsday scenario in which one big sector comes down which in turn overloads the next until the entire country, or the whole continent, is without power. It probably could happen, but it is beyond the scale of any preparations I plan to make for survival.

Remember the panic over The Millennium? Computers were going to crash so nothing would work: no power, no gas, no groceries? That’s very much my vision of life without The Grid. Very little will work. How easily we forget, when we have all those things, our degree of dependence upon The Grid. We’ve all sat through power outages of a couple of hours; maybe even a couple of days. It really is miserable. We cannot get out of the habit of anything and everything being available at the flick of a switch or the turn of a knob, or more likely the tap of a key. And it’s all gone.

My worst-case survival preparation is a month without power. It’s not too hard to envision damage to The Grid severe enough that it takes a month to bring it back up. We have enough bottled water and canned food to stretch, very meagerly, for three or four weeks. We have sleeping bags in the basement, which retains a pretty even temperature so we shouldn’t burn up in a summer emergency or freeze in mid-winter. We have wind-up flashlights and a lantern – irritating because of the continuous cranking required but good enough until we can replace the inevitably dead batteries in the good lights. And we do have a good supply of batteries. We have endless books for entertainment in the daylight hours, along with playing cards and board games. We have a camp stove with a couple of fuel bottles, so we could heat up food or water, if only occasionally. We have cash – very well hidden so don’t even think about it! – because even if any supplies are to be had we clearly will not be able to use credit cards. What we do not have is those guns and ammo the TV survivalists always display, so if we get to the stage of starving marauders breaking and entering I fear we’re doomed. Other than that, I’d say we’ve got a pretty good chance.

When I took that class, it was quite apparent that most of us were Seniors. Who among the young people have time even to think about surviving for a month without power, never mind taking time actually to prepare for such a thing. Good preparation in fact usually saves time in the long run, but most young people find it hard to concentrate on that long run. When we’re young we wing it; fly by the seat of our pants. It takes time to prepare and in youth time is scarce – or at least that’s how it seems.

As I age I find preparation increasingly important, you might say vital. Fortunately, in retirement I have time for it. I schedule my cups of tea very carefully so that, with a little luck, I will not have to scuttle to the bathroom in the middle of Act One. Before our month-long road trip last year we each had a ‘staging area’ to collect everything we needed to take with us. This has to be a large area of floor where things can be spread out, so we can check and recheck what we have already placed there. Things cannot be put in the car or into the suitcase because we can’t remember what we’ve packed and spend days or weeks packing and unpacking and repacking.

I never go the grocery store without a carefully prepared list – even if it only has one item on it. If I go without that piece of paper I shall return home with seventeen things I bought in case we’re out but I can’t remember. The thing I won’t have is the one thing I went for in the first place.

Old age is a full-time job!

Problem is, preparation doesn’t always work. Just last Monday I carefully gathered up all library items which needed to be returned on my way to The Center, remembered to put my library card with them to check out new books, placed everything in a tote bag which I put right in front of the door into the garage so I couldn’t possibly forget it. Come time to leave I picked up the bag and went into the garage. There I remembered my other bag, this old green one I talked about earlier, was still sitting on the table with my story in it. I put down the library bag, went back into the kitchen for the Storytime bag, into the car and I was off! Only as I drove past the library did I remember the bag left sitting on the garage floor.

I fear that our careful emergency prep will fail if ever put to the test. We’ve hidden the cash so carefully that neither of us will remember where it is and no amount of searching will turn it up.

Our arthritic fingers will be too weak to open any of the cans with the old manual opener, ditto any screw-tops. We might be able to manage the water, but it’s stored in carcinogenic plastic bottles so by then will probably kill us.

The fact is that time is running out and no amount of preparation can stop it. I don’t find that depressing; I find it deeply relaxing. It relieves an awful lot of pressure. So I’ll try to get the list right before I go to the store, and I’ll try to return my library books on time. But if I don’t, the world will not tilt on it’s axis or turn to blue cheese. I have finally found how to live in the now.

© January 2018

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.

An Awkward Moment, by Gillian

It was in March 2002. The new Schlessman branch of Denver Public Library had just opened a few days earlier and I was excited to pay my first visit. So, obviously, were many other people scuttling eagerly in its direction. The day that library opened, it outgrew its parking lot, so we approached from neighboring streets.We had had several days and nights of that typical Springtime thawing-and-refreezing and there were unsuspected patches of almost invisible ice hiding in the shadows. Suddenly both feet shot out from beneath me and I landed hard on my back, my head making a sickening crack against the sidewalk. Ouch! (Though I suspect I thought words other than that!)

Gathering up what was left of my dignity I scrambled to my feet, making I’m OK gestures to nearby concerned citizens. Though once upright, I wasn’t so sure. I felt a bit woozy. Hoping not to repeat one slightly awkward moment after another, I hastily sat down on the low wall edging the library parking lot. What I am referring to as awkward might be embarrassing moments for some people, but I so exercised my right to be embarrassed in my youth that I grew out of it years ago and now rarely feel that anything goes beyond awkward. But awkward moments I can sometimes excel in. In fact they tend to, with me, very like buses; nothing for a long time and then several, one right after the other.

And sure enough, here came another one. Resting my head in my hands in an attempt to ensure my equilibrium, I noticed a tickling sensation on both hands. Half-opening my eyes, it was impossible NOT to notice the steady drip of blood falling onto the sidewalk. Shit! Gently I felt the back of my head, which did not cause me any great pain but my hand came away covered in blood. Shit! Was I right in thinking I could just walk back to the car and drive home? I felt that I could. I knew Betsy was not at home, she was in Birmingham on a family visit, so there was no point in going into the library to call – not to mention the slight problem of dripping blood all over their nice shiny brand new floor.

It dawned slowly upon me that quite a crowd was gathering; a lot of concerned faces were turned in my direction. This was before the days when absolutely everyone had a cellphone, but one cute young blonde thing was waving one around, vaguely in my direction. I tried to trawl through friends and family phone-numbers I knew by heart, but my slightly fuzzy brain was unable to offer much help. A young man with a little boy by the hand said, to me and the gathering crowd, that he thought I should go the hospital. The cutie with the cell phone nodded agreement.

‘May I call an ambulance?’ she asked, politely.

I was not sure. I wanted just to go home. But maybe, I wondered, watching the blood dripping ever-faster onto the cement, I was not really thinking too clearly.

‘Really,’ another voice offered, ‘You should go the hospital. You’re bleeding badly.’

Murmured agreement rose from the onlookers.

No shit, Sherlock, I thought, ungratefully.

I hesitated. I gave in. Shit! They were the ones thinking clearly, not me.

I had never been strapped onto an ambulance gurney before. Come to that, I had never been in an ambulance before. Another cute young thing patted my arm and talked soothingly of nothings as we sped through Denver, sirens wailing. I supposed it should have been at least a little exciting, but I felt rather a fraud. My head didn’t hurt very much, and felt much clearer than it had for a minute there. Wrapped securely in some delightfully soft something, it might have still been bleeding but at least was no longer dripping on everything. I gave a mental shrug.

What the hell?

Four hours later, a disgruntled young man perched on the edge of my bed in St. Jo’s E.R.

‘It really is nothing,’ he decreed, glaring at me for wasting his valuable time, of which he had spent all of perhaps one minute with me.

‘The nurse will be back, then you can go home.’

He made me feel as if I should apologize profusely for unnecessarily occupying this prize piece of real estate in the form of a bed in Emergency.

Almost another hour later, another cute young thing appeared. There were so many of them around that day, I was starting to wonder if the knock on my head was causing me to have hallucinations – if very pleasurable ones.

‘Better safe than sorry, Honey,’ she said, agreeably, reading my mind, as she unnecessarily helped me up off the bed.

‘Sure was a lot of blood but it’s no more than a bad graze. We can’t even put a dressing on it without shaving a real lot of hair off so best just leave it. It’ll heal in it’s own time,’ she concluded, comfortingly.

Now feeling nothing but a very slight throbbing in my head, and a worse stiffness from lying in a cold room for hours, I decided I would simply walk home and evade all the logistical complications of finding someone to come and pick me up. I could get a cab, but having seen the blood-covered back of my yellow jacket and the front of gray sweatshirt, I rather doubted one would agree to take me anywhere. Anyway, the day had warmed up considerably and a walk home in the late afternoon sun would be good for me. I would go through City Park, always pleasant. At that time we lived in Park Hill, and this of course was the old St. Jo’s, so it was probably, at the most, three miles.

I had gone as far as the path around the south side of City Park Lake, where I stopped for a minute to enjoy the cormorants, sitting about as they do with their wings spread out and held up as if drying their underarms. A young woman, pushing a stroller containing a small child, jogged past me. A few yards on, she stopped. She looked back at me, hesitatingly, then turned to walk back towards me. Yet another cute young thing. I should bang my head more often.

‘Umm …. excuse me …. er ….. I guess ….. you do know that your head is bleeding?’

Oh Lord. I had forgotten all about my blood-spattered clothes. I smiled reassuringly.

‘Sorry, I forgot about the blood on my jacket.’

I apologized, meanwhile pulling said jacket closed in front and hoping she had not noticed more dried blood on my shirt. Perhaps I did look rather like an escapee from somewhere.

She said nothing more but simply looked pointedly back in the direction we had both come.

A trail of blood spattered as far as I could see. Shit! Why hadn’t I grabbed a handful of tissues before leaving the hospital?

I explained the circumstances briefly to her and, still looking skeptical and requesting several assurances that I really would get home OK, she jogged off.

I arrived safely home after only one more encounter. An older man and woman in a shiny Lincoln passed me along Montview Boulevard, pulling over to park near the library which I assumed was their destination. But no, as I walked up beside their car they both got out, faces full of concern. This time I jumped in first: an apology, a brief explanation, an assurance that my house was now only a block away. No matter, they insisted, they would take me home.

‘I … might … um …. mess up your beautiful car …..’ I offered, looking through their eyes at my bloody clothes which by now were further stained with new blood over old.

Not only would they refuse all argument but insisted, upon arrival, in walking me to my door and seeing me safely inside, where I sank exhaustedly into an armchair the moment the door closed.

Shit! Nosy people had turned what should have, would have, been a perfectly pleasant, relaxed, walk, into a series of uninvited encounters. Shit! Why didn’t people just mind their own dam business? I sat grumpily in my chair. Gingerly fingering my head I realized it had stopped bleeding. I supposed it was the walking motion that had started it off, and kept it going. My irritation lifted and I found myself smiling. People were really so very nice, I thought. And even now, when I need to remind myself of that truth, I remember that day. I don’t relive the awkwardness of some moments, but rather the caring kindness of strangers.

© December 2016

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.

Preparation, by Gillian

Oh, Heavens! The things
that spring to mind! An ounce of preparation is worth a pound of cure,  Preparation H, emergency
preparedness, hope for the best and prepare for the worst, look to the past to
prepare for the future, and prepare to meet your maker.
In my younger days I
suppose I did quite a lot of preparation. I recall preparing, with my mother,
for my first day of school, for my church Confirmation and after it for my
first Communion, and probably many more firsts. They tend to pile up on you in
your youth. Then, in school and college, there were endless tests and exams to
prepare for. I prepared to go to college and, in what seemed like no time,
prepared to leave.
Then, without any
conscious intent, I seem to have entered a long phase of my life when I made
little, if any, preparation for anything. Events occurred in an apparently
random, haphazard, way. This went well; that did not. This happened; that did
not. Oh well! Shrug it off. Move on. I most assuredly did not prepare to come
out; certainly not to myself, anyway. You cannot really prepare to be hit by a
runaway train.
Now, in the latter part
of life, I find myself regressing, in the matter of preparation as with many
other things, to the ways of my youth. If I don’t prepare for just about
anything and everything, I shall forget some vitally important words or deeds,
or both. When we prepare for camping or road trips, Betsy and I now set up
‘staging areas’ where we collect things for weeks before we leave, so as not to
forget some essential. We used to basically just get in the car and start
driving, and get wherever we got. Not anymore! We plan the route, fussing over
getting through congested areas before or after rush hour. Or sometimes we plan
quite lengthy detours to avoid braving six lanes of freeway at 5.00pm. On the
other hand, we need to prepare a route that gets us to a campground in time to
settle in before dark. No more midnight arrivals for us!
One thing I know for sure
about preparation; it can be incredibly beneficial when it comes to
practicalities, but for emotions it’s a bust. At least for me. I tried, if only
vaguely, most of my life, to prepare myself for the death of my parents. That
is, after all, the normal natural course of events for most of us. It didn’t
work; I might as well never have given it a thought. I was simply felled by
their deaths. Devastated. And the heartbreak went on and on. It was at least
ten years before I was really OK with it, and that was only after a lot of work
on my spirituality. We have too many friends ending up in hospice lately.
Naturally, given those circumstances, we give it our best to prepare ourselves
emotionally for imminent loss. It doesn’t seem to help. Grief remains grief
even though it is not accompanied by shock. Even though we tell ourselves it
was for the best they didn’t linger longer.
When Betsy and I decided,
two years ago, to get legally married while we were on a visit to California,
we truly meant it when we said to family and friends, ‘Oh it’s no big deal.
We’ve been together for ever after all. It’s just signing a piece of paper.’
Wrong again! We were both
completely taken by surprise by the strength of emotion we felt. Both so close
to tears, we could barely say those words we had waited almost thirty years to
say.  We had thought we were completely
prepared, and once more might as well not have given it a thought for as wrong
as we got it.
So all I’m trying to do
now, as far as emotional preparedness goes, is preparing to be surprised. I
shall prepare by acknowledging that I don’t have a clue how I’m going to feel,
wherever and whenever, about anything. And again I surprise myself. This
unpreparedness actually feels good. It’s liberating. It’s living in the moment.
I shall know what I feel
when I feel it. What on earth is wrong with that?
© 24 Aug 2015 
About
the Author
 
I
was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to
the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the
Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30-years at IBM. I married, raised
four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting
myself as a lesbian. I have been with
my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty-years. We have been married since 2013.