My mother was not big on “don’ts.” I cannot remember either of my parents
issuing constant “don’t do this’s, don’t do that’s, don’t forget to’s…,
etc’s.” When they did, it was usually
for my safety: “Don’t climb too high, don’t jump off the roof, don’t swim out
too far.”
issuing constant “don’t do this’s, don’t do that’s, don’t forget to’s…,
etc’s.” When they did, it was usually
for my safety: “Don’t climb too high, don’t jump off the roof, don’t swim out
too far.”
In spite of the dearth of don’ts uttered by my mom in my
younger years, it changed as I grew out of childhood into adolescence and young
adulthood. As I grew older, I heard one “don’t” on a fairly regular basis: “Don’t
get pregnant.”
younger years, it changed as I grew out of childhood into adolescence and young
adulthood. As I grew older, I heard one “don’t” on a fairly regular basis: “Don’t
get pregnant.”
I’m not sure why my mother was so fearful of this one aspect
of my behavior. I had never given her cause to worry about my general
deportment in the past. I had been
anything but a wild child. I usually stayed in line. But when I was dating boys
in my later high school years and into college, my mother was definitely
worried about my virginity. Perhaps she was projecting the feelings she
remembered having when she was the same age.
Little did she know, her daughter had no chance of losing her virginity
as long as I was dating “nice” boys. There was no chance I would lose control
and “go too far.” I suppose I could have
reassured her, but we, my mom and I, never talked about such topics especially
topics involving feelings. This was not uncommon in those days just as my mom
probably never talked about feelings with her mom a generation before. Perhaps if my mother and I had been
comfortable talking about feelings, just maybe I would have known more about my
inner self earlier in my life. Perhaps I would have understood better who I was
really instead of proceeding simply according to the standards I knew.
of my behavior. I had never given her cause to worry about my general
deportment in the past. I had been
anything but a wild child. I usually stayed in line. But when I was dating boys
in my later high school years and into college, my mother was definitely
worried about my virginity. Perhaps she was projecting the feelings she
remembered having when she was the same age.
Little did she know, her daughter had no chance of losing her virginity
as long as I was dating “nice” boys. There was no chance I would lose control
and “go too far.” I suppose I could have
reassured her, but we, my mom and I, never talked about such topics especially
topics involving feelings. This was not uncommon in those days just as my mom
probably never talked about feelings with her mom a generation before. Perhaps if my mother and I had been
comfortable talking about feelings, just maybe I would have known more about my
inner self earlier in my life. Perhaps I would have understood better who I was
really instead of proceeding simply according to the standards I knew.
I also know that my mother was concerned about appearances
and how her family looked to others. I think this was common in those
days. And her eldest daughter becoming
inappropriately pregnant certainly would not look good. I sometimes wonder which my mother would have
chosen had she been given the choice: You have a daughter who is unmarried and
pregnant, or you have a daughter who is a lesbian. Either would have
unthinkable to her I’m sure.
and how her family looked to others. I think this was common in those
days. And her eldest daughter becoming
inappropriately pregnant certainly would not look good. I sometimes wonder which my mother would have
chosen had she been given the choice: You have a daughter who is unmarried and
pregnant, or you have a daughter who is a lesbian. Either would have
unthinkable to her I’m sure.
I am not being critical of my mother. This was a cultural
characteristic. My scanty religious training did not promote the peeling of the
onion skin to reveal secrets about ourselves, especially secrets having to do
with our sexual proclivities. In my
experience religious doctrine, the ultimate standard upon which we all based
our conduct, not only did not promote introspection, but discouraged it.
characteristic. My scanty religious training did not promote the peeling of the
onion skin to reveal secrets about ourselves, especially secrets having to do
with our sexual proclivities. In my
experience religious doctrine, the ultimate standard upon which we all based
our conduct, not only did not promote introspection, but discouraged it.
I did not do much better as a mother with my daughters. After
all, like my mother, I had never been taught the importance of, or more
importantly HOW to talk about personal and intimate subjects with my children.
Also, children by nature certainly are not comfortable revealing deeply held
feelings which often they are reluctant to admit even to themselves that they
have.
all, like my mother, I had never been taught the importance of, or more
importantly HOW to talk about personal and intimate subjects with my children.
Also, children by nature certainly are not comfortable revealing deeply held
feelings which often they are reluctant to admit even to themselves that they
have.
In my old age I find myself in a continual process of sorting
out that which should be spoken from that which must simply be accepted and
from which I must detach—detach with love, but detach— and go on my own
way.
out that which should be spoken from that which must simply be accepted and
from which I must detach—detach with love, but detach— and go on my own
way.
BTW, on the very, very outside chance that anyone especially
children or grandchildren and more especially in-laws—should anyone happen to
ask me for any advice or even just an opinion, I will be glad to offer the best
I have to give based on my long experience.
children or grandchildren and more especially in-laws—should anyone happen to
ask me for any advice or even just an opinion, I will be glad to offer the best
I have to give based on my long experience.
© 5 Jun 2017
About
the Author
the Author
Betsy has been active in
the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old
Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been
retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major
activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a
volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading,
writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage.
She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren.
Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her
life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.
the GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver Women’s Chorus, OLOC (Old
Lesbians Organizing for Change), and the GLBT Community Center. She has been
retired from the human services field for 20 years. Since her retirement, her major
activities have included tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a
volunteer instructor with the National Sports Center for the Disabled, reading,
writing, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of marriage.
She has a close relationship with her three children and four grandchildren.
Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing her
life with her partner of 30 years, Gillian Edwards.
