The House by Phillip Hoyle

          We moved up to Clay Center, Kansas, on my fifteenth birthday, two counties away from my hometown Junction City. I was born in that Army town with population of around 20,000, adjoining Fort Riley, an Army post with a similar population, that sat next to another small city, Manhattan, with 20,000 population, home of a state university with about the same number of students. Although we weren’t leaving a metropolitan center, compared with the county seat town where we were headed, with its 5,000 population and one stop light, I felt like I was giving up civilization and moving to the center of nowhere.

          At least we were moving into an interesting house. We’d looked at several, each with strong points that appealed to me. Finally Dad and Mom purchased a roomy place with four bedrooms and a bath upstairs; parlor, family, dining, and utility rooms, entry hall with an exposed staircase that my sisters fantasized walking down in formals or wedding gowns, plus a kitchen on the main level; rough partial basement below and unfinished attic above; and an unattached garage, all sitting on three lots on the corner of Crawford and US 24, just one block east of Highway 15. It was a beautiful old place, built sixty years before for a local banker and his family. As the only boy, I got my own room but also a power mower so I could tend the huge yard. Around the same time as our move I dropped my long-standing subscription to The American Indian Hobbyist and began reading House Beautiful.

          Decorating became my theme. Mom was into the house project ordering drapes for the front rooms, buying an extra couch and slipper chairs for the parlor, shopping for a proper dining room set, bringing home fabrics, pillows, and endless ideas for making this house our home. I, too, started thinking about furniture, fabric, and fancy dishes. So immediately after the move, my next older sister Holly and I began haunting Mrs. Stedman’s antique store. We read House Beautiful and discussed our likes and dislikes. Then we shopped to see what we could find to realize our ideas. For months we saved our change and bought a Victorian marble-top coffee table as a gift for Mom. At the end of that first year my sister went off to college in another town. I still pored over the magazine to find ideas for my room.

          One day I noticed an ad for an art print company in New York City and sent off a letter requesting their catalogue. In a couple of weeks I received the illustrated listing and found myself entranced by a print of a painting depicting the torso of a young man wearing no shirt and the top button of his Levi’s open. I wanted that print but couldn’t imagine how anyone would hang such a picture in their house or room. But there it was in a nationally-advertised magazine in full color like an invitation into another world.

          I ordered several prints although not the one I most wanted. In figuring out what to do with them, I realized I needed frames and returned to the antique store we now called the junk shop. For years I had hung prints on my bedroom walls with straight pins. Now I needed to frame them, a need that has persisted throughout my adult life. I enjoyed my years in that beautiful old house with its fancy woodwork, neat window treatments, and the pictures I’d framed.

          A couple of years later I was moving into a college dorm and then three years after that was living in an apartment with my wife. Over the decades of our marriage we lived in several houses and apartments. Together we decorated creating a blend of our tastes. Often she’d move the furniture; I’d hang the pictures selected from an ever growing collection of framed paintings and prints that represented a diversity of style and content. Still there was no torso on display except in the bathroom mirror.

          Years later, after our separation, I started spending nights with my lover Rafael. He’d invited me to his house after a flirtation of several months. There we made love to one another. I was content to spend night after night in this boyish man’s apartment; he was intent on making a marriage of sorts out of our connection. Finally he said I should bring my clothes. “This will be our home, your apartment your office,” he said. Although I was quite taken with him and our relationship, I clearly saw that his apartment lacked style and ornament. It consisted of a large open room with a kitchen along one wall, a bedroom, and a bathroom. Rafael owned two couches, a floor lamp, a small table with two chairs for meals, a big TV that sometimes worked sitting on a large sewing table, a double bed mattress and springs, a single mattress leaning against the wall, a small chest of drawers, his clothes and several boxes of whatnots. From my point of view the apartment’s best feature was a small air conditioning unit in the bedroom wall.

          Together we sought to make this California-style apartment house unit our home. As we moved the furniture, I recalled my House Beautiful interest, the transformation of that old house in my teen years, my cooperative decorating experiences with my wife, and my continuing fascination with furniture and much more. Rafael and I found a bed frame and a lamp in the alley. From my office, I brought over my great grandmother’s wardrobe for the bedroom, a chair for the living area, and a portable sewing machine for Rafael to use. Then one day when Rafael was at work I brought framed paintings and prints to decorate the walls of this cold apartment. The transformation was immediate. The place finally looked lived in and warm. As I hung a collage of a pair of cowboy saints and other gay-themed art, I recalled the print that had so attracted my high school self but realized that this house didn’t need such a picture, for here I lived with a sexually inviting man who thrilled me in ways much more complex and satisfying than that intriguing image of years ago.

          The apartment finally complemented the warmth of our love. There we fixed Mexican, French, Italian, Spanish, Asian, and American dishes for one another. We entertained each other with stories of our lives. We cleaned, shopped, kissed, and kidded. We lived in that house beautiful a couple’s life of delight.

About the Author

Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, giving massages, and socializing. His massage practice funds his other activities that keep him busy with groups of writers and artists, and folk with pains. Following thirty-two years in church work, he now focuses on creating beauty and ministering to the clients in his practice. He volunteers at The Center leading “Telling Your Story.”

Cooking by Ray S

  
        Call it puppy love, infatuation, envy, or hero worship. One day on my way to a design consult with my client Don I realized I must be in love with the guy. Of course, he didn’t know it and the only time we got physically close was several years later when I kissed him goodbye before he moved to San Miguel de Allende, Mexico. So much for unrequited love.

          One of the clinchers that turned me on about him (and there were many) was that he was a refugee from the Cordon Bleu and a disciple of Saint Julia Child. The fact was I had been summoned to consult on the decor of the newly modernized 1901 vintage kitchen. Besides the professional style appliances the focal point, as the designers say, was a framed poster of the famed Ms. Child. No NFL stars portraits or macho icons. This was my kind of guy.

          We picked up on the Cordon Bleu theme and ultimately covered the kitchen walls in blue denim vinyl. Of course it was washable. I’m nothing but practical with my clients.

          From the kitchen we moved on to complete the master bedroom. Never got any further there beyond the very butch wallpaper and paint colors. The final challenge was to create a library in what had been the front parlor.

          By this time a beautiful Platonic friendship had developed, but no more cooking on the romantic side.

          Many years have passed and we still exchange Christmas cards. Many changes have resolved various conflicts of my approach to sexual orientation, and my love for Don mellowed to occasional fantasy about what should have been and never was.

          The one bonding element for me is our mutual appreciation for cooking especially when done in the nude.

About the Author 

Writing Your Story by Peg

          A few years ago I decided to write my memoir, a project that soon occupied most of my conscious thinking. I would write for hours, often till two or three o’clock the next morning. A friend who was writing a fictional account of her family invited me to join a writing group she liked and for a year or so I attended their twice-monthly meetings. What I learned from those meetings was that my writing was not very good; my writing had no depth and didn’t hold the readers attention. A memoir, I was told is probably the hardest form of writing because it can speak from only one voice, a singular perspective and in a case like mine, a very narrow view of the world.

          I was asked to include the words of observers, the thoughts that friends had of our interactions to include the world we lived in from their perspective as well. But how could I, when this story was of a secret that only I knew and was too confused about to share with anyone, even my very best friend. I had no other perspective from which to write.

          As I continued writing a catharsis settled in, I wrote about things I had long ago put behind me, but as I saw those words appear on the screen, I began to better understand decisions that resulted in missed opportunities, and prevented essential understanding of the world and my place in it. I wrote about someone who was more an observer than participant, a boy who had to watch and learn how to act; I learned to fake my way to get along, without exposing my confusion about much of what was happening around me.

          I read about a small, safe, and risk free life. The world I devised was kept small because I had more control, I could better protect my environment and if I felt that my ignorance regarding what other boys were doing, saying or things they already knew that I didn’t know about would be exposed; I could find some excuse to leave.

          Writing my story opened up many doors, giving me a second look at a life that once seemed to have no place for me, and no one else to connect with in a healthy way. I saw a lonely over protected ignorant boy, the older I got, the more naïve I was socially, the farther I fell behind the other boys the more I secluded myself.

          Leaving High School was a great relief for me, I was able to start over, meet new people, men who were my dad’s age and my new role as their only apprentice gave me a secure position free of competition and an opportunity to express new skills and develop a realistic sense of self that I didn’t have while in school.

          While learning a trade, or wearing the uniform of an airman, and surviving in the macho military environment, forced me grow in spite of a continuing ignorance of what I was supposed to be, and how I was to act. Somehow I found strength, a toughness that I had not known before, I learned that I did have a self after all, that I did have individuality. I created a person who could fit in, some of that new me was genuine; some was a copy of others who I admired.

          I married and together we raised our family, two boys who are and always will be the grandest accomplishment of my life. Seeing both of our sons grown and finding their own passages in life. One raises his own family, while the other explores new knowledge with his research in far away London, each in his own way has given us great satisfaction.

          I wrote a memoir that was much criticized and after many changes, rewrites and re-arranging I wound up with a jumbled up mess. I still have what is left in a large folder, standing in a corner of my closet. When the time is right, I may try to put it together again. Who knows; perhaps someday someone will dust it off and read it.

          That written story has already succeeded in putting me at peace with myself. It helped me understand an uncommon life but hopefully it has been useful in educating some who never understood that Gender is not a nice neat binary package. There are many genders, a hundred different ways to express who we are, and different ways to couple and love one another.

          I long ago departed from religion, but I did learn much from my exposure to it. Something I learned is how many people miss the meaning in a popular prayer. It is not just about receiving gifts from God, but a charge…. To first give love before expecting that gift to be given you. “Thy WILL” (my wish for you) will be done on earth, as it is in heaven. These are directions, not suggestions.

          My own warning to the believers; what your build here, you will be building for your future experience… Willful ignorance? Discrimination? Bigotry? Build it here; know it there.

          All of us; Gay, Lesbian, Trans, Bi or Questioning have a story; I wish we could all shine a bright light into the corners of fear and ignorance that still drives the beliefs of narrow minds. I hope that each story we tell will open at least one heart, one mind that had otherwise been closed to a much wider world.

          Writing my story….I’m glad I did it.

About the Author

I was born and raised in Denver Colorado and I have a divided history, I went to school, learned a trade, served in the military, married and fathered two sons. And I am Trans; I transitioned in 1986 after being fired for “not fitting in to their program.” 18 years ago I fulfilled my lifelong need to shed the package and become female. I continued working in my trade until retiring in 2006. I have been active in PFLAG Denver and served five years on the board of directors, two years as President of our chapter. Living now as a woman has let me be who I always knew I was and I am genuinely happy.

Navy Man by Lewis T

     The dark cap is tipped to the back of his head like a macabre halo, perhaps held there by two ears ample enough to suggest a signalman guiding a plane onto the deck of an aircraft carrier.  His thick, dark brown hair is swept up and back, with highlights that suggest murky surf crashing onto the wide alabaster beach of his forehead.  The brows hang close over narrow eyes, perhaps useful when assaulted by wind and spray.  His fine nose is poised above a perfect mouth, inscrutable and delicious.  The graceful lines of his symmetrical jaw and chin converge over a throat that is at once manly and vulnerable.  The tunic, adorned by a vestigial slash of “fruit salad,” a collar marked by three parallel white lines suggestive of the “no passing zone” of some lonely asphalt highway, the incongruous intrusion of an undershirt, and the unexpected glamour of a satin scarf snaking its way across his sternum seem to remind the casual observer that this bit of bone, gut, and flesh is destined not to be the object of desire but rather the means by which the ambitions of admirals are achieved.

In loving memory of a sailor, scholar, soldier, husband, father, teacher, and lover,

Don L. (“Laurin”) Foxworth, age 18

©  December 12, 2012 Lewis J. Thompson, III

About the Author

“I came to the beautiful state of Colorado out of my native Kansas by way of Michigan, the state where I married and had two children while working as an engineer for the Ford Motor Company. I was married to a wonderful woman for 26 happy years and suddenly realized that life was passing me by. I figured that I should make a change, as our offspring were basically on their own and I wasn’t getting any younger. Luckily, a very attractive and personable man just happened to be crossing my path at that time, so the change-over was both fortuitous and smooth. Soon after, I retired and we moved to Denver, my husband’s home town. He passed away after 13 blissful years together in October of 2012. I am left to find a new path to fulfillment. One possibility is through writing. Thank goodness, the SAGE Creative Writing Group was there to light the way.”

Coping with Loved Ones by Michael King

          After all we are apes and in spite of our self-concepts of advanced culture and civilization we still have the quarrelsome and emotional nature similar to what we see in our wild cousins. Any group, family or pair of humans in association will encounter frustrations and anger either individually or collectively. Our natures can be modified and we can learn to control the way we interact and we can suppress the urge to strike out when upset, but even with those closest to us and that we love the most, we will occasionally have to cope with both their words and actions that bother us as well as our own thoughts and feelings.

          My daughter, yesterday, when I asked her how things were going with their new dog which the whole family loves, said “She has her moments.” I interpreted this to mean that there was a little coping going on.

          My grandparents were always bickering. I decided not to do that. My mother was always bitching and gossiping while my father seldom spoke. I decided to not be like them. I never liked confrontation, arguments or violence so I guess I developed coping techniques that modifies my tendency to strike out, accuse, argue, etc.

          My 25 years of marriages fortunately went by with few disagreements. Merlyn and I don’t argue. However under it all there is that conscious awareness of maintaining mutual respect, courteous and kind interaction and above it all a show of affection, love and understanding while we cope with the amazingly different ways each of us thinks and acts.

          Both of us have been single parents and I’m sure that having experienced the myriad of coping tests one has under those circumstances has helped us develop the abilities to somewhat satisfactorily deal with coping with loved ones.

          I am so grateful to have the privilege of coping with Merlyn. There is nothing I would rather do. It seems that he doesn’t mind coping with me.

About the Author

I go by the drag name, Queen Anne Tique. My real name is
Michael King. I am a gay activist who finally came out of the closet at age 70.
I live with my lover, Merlyn, in downtown Denver, Colorado. I was married
twice, have 3 daughters, 4 grandchildren and a great grandson. Besides
volunteering at the GLBT Center and doing the SAGE activities,” Telling
your Story”,” Men’s Coffee” and the “Open Art Studio”.
I am active in Prime Timers and Front Rangers. I now get to do many of the
activities that I had hoped to do when I retired; traveling, writing, painting,
doing sculpture, cooking and drag.

Cooking by Bobbi

          “Hey, hey, good looking. Whatcha got cookin’? How’s about cookin’ somethin’ up for me.”

          As a child, the only person in our home who did all the cookin’ somethin’ up for us was my Bubi Kate. (Bubi means grandma.) She and my great uncle, Yenny, lived with us. Katie wanted that small kitchen all to herself, and the only time I was allowed in was when she needed help with washing and drying dishes.

          She never made knishes which were Jewish fare, and we never had any pork. We didn’t dare.

          Katie and Yenny were from Hungary so we never went hungry. My mother never learned to cook until Grandma Kate died.

          A short history of my family is needed here in order for my story to be clear. Kate and Bela were from Hungary and met in Philadelphia. Love, marriage, and two daughters later, but they had to leave for Colorado or Bela’s lungs would crater. Tuberculosis had taken hold so Go West Young Man, they were told.

          So they settled in Denver where my mama Sallie was born in 1897 and Bela started a picture frame factory out of their home and it was like heaven. But Bela’s health continued to go down and he needed help in the business so he asked one of his brothers in Hungary to come to this town. Uncle Yenny came, learned the business, and when Bela died, he took care of Kate and raised the three little girls.

          When Sallie married Harry, my sister was born. Sallie was five months pregnant with me, and things got harried with Harry. Harry was an attorney, got into legal trouble, left town, ended up in Canyon City Penitentiary. This all caused Sallie’s bubble to burst.

          That’s why Bubi Kate and Uncle Yenny came to live with us.

          While cleaning out my Mama’s home, I found a wonderful cookbook. It’s called Famous Cook Book and was written in 1916 by the Ladies Auxiliary and given to Temple de Hirsch in Seattle. Pages 147 and 148 have Ham recipes. Baked Ham No. 1, Baked Ham No. 2, and Baked Ham and Eggs. Wonder if they got into the Dr. Seuss craze.

          My first husband, Nonny, from Brooklyn, was a pretty good cook but I struggled along with a cook book. My second husband, Max, did not cook so I learned from a Jewish cookbook. It’s called Love and Knishes and I made many good dishes.

          Alas, the Sprue has hit my gut, so I am gluten free, BUT I’ve learned to cook gluten free and my partner, Linda, has mastered gluten-free zucchini bread and other sweets so my life now is just full of treats.

About the Author

Bobbi, 82, a native Denverite, came out at age 45. “I’m glad to be alive.”

Closet Case by Merlyn

One
of the saddest things about being a human being is the fact that we are taught
that most things we want do are somehow a sin and must remain hidden.
I
was taught at a very young age that I could do whatever I wanted to do, as long
as I didn’t tell anyone about it.
That
made it simple for me,;I just didn’t tell everyone what I was doing.
I
don’t think I was ever in the closet but I have hidden some things there:
Gross
cases of condoms 144 in each case
A
box of sex toys
A
box of books and magazines with the good pages stuck together
A
box of x rated DVDs and VCR tapes
A
box downloaded pictures and stories that I saved on DVDs from the internet
And a
few other things that I don’t think anybody here needs to or wants to know
about.

About the Author

I’m a retired gay man now
living in Denver Colorado with my partner Michael. I grew up in the Detroit
area. Through the various kinds of work I have done I have seen most of the
United States. I have been involved in technical and mechanical areas my whole
life, all kinds of motors and computer systems. I like travel, searching for
the unusual and enjoying life each day. 

Are We in Indonesia Yet? by Nicholas

      I’ve heard it said that you have to learn
some language by a very early age—say, four or five or six—or you will never be
able to learn any language. And once you learn any language, you can,
theoretically, learn any other language. Of course, most of us have sat through
enough Spanish, French and German classes to know that that part of the theory
is questionable. The point is that one’s brain must develop its language
capacity early in life or it is lost forever, that part of your brain just
won’t grow.
      I sometimes feel that way regarding what
is usually referred to as “technology,” meaning computers and all their spawn,
i.e., iPads, tablets, nooks, kindles, iPhones, 3G, 4G, and, OMG, I don’t know
how many other devices or apps. Though I am at least primitively computer
literate, I fear that whole new languages are now in common use about which I
know nothing. And it may be too late for my aging brain to learn them.
      Over the years I’ve worked through a number
of stages in my personal relationship with technology. I’ve passed through the
stage of computers being interesting, useful, or even wondrous in their
capabilities. I’ve passed through the stage of thinking, OK, that’s enough—I
can write, cut & paste, send emails, crop photos, research questions, and
get on You Tube. I am tempted toward the stage of concluding that computers are
really a nuisance and I might just one day re-boot the thing out the door. But
then, emails are very useful and where else does one find porn these days?
      Now I am entering the stage of more or
less panic that if I don’t make some big technological leap I will be left
behind like a blacksmith on an automobile assembly line. Skilled but
irrelevant. I do know some basics of computer literacy, but…  Well, the fact that I’m using the word
“computer,” which nobody uses now, given the array of devices available, shows
how far behind the times I have sunk. My fear is that I will not be able to learn
the new language of the moment—they seem to change quickly—and I will be left
unable to communicate with anyone in the world.
      But rapidly mutating technology is just
one of the ways in which I am coming to feel like a stranger in my own land.
Culture shock is getting to be a daily occurrence. Most all pop culture from
music to television shows is a mystery to me. The obsession with money dismays
me. The fondness for states of unreality whether drug or television or church
induced leaves me alienated. And the poisonous and paralyzed political milieu
is depressing.
      I was once in a workshop of writers and a
woman author gave a lengthy description of her process in writing an essay. An
idea will come to her, she said, and she will mull it over for a while which
can be anywhere from a few hours to months. Then, she’ll jot down some notes as
the idea expands and facets of it come into view. Eventually, she will organize
her notes and develop nuances of her argument or narrative. At some point, she
will compose all these thoughts into a coherent essay.
      I thought, that’s me alright and all the
other dinosaurs still roaming the earth. Doesn’t she—don’t we—realize that
NOBODY DOES THAT ANYMORE!!?  This
leisurely process of developing your thoughts to explore nuance, is so
20-years-ago. One doesn’t pause to think things through or just walk around
with an idea until it jells or makes sense. Today, if a thought ever dares to
enter your head, you must get it out, like a virus, as quickly as possible
before it takes root and grows into who knows what. You spit it out as fast as
you can on your blog or text it to your million friends on Facebook. Keep
paddling around in the shallow water because you have no idea of what might be
out there in the depths. Could be something bigger than you.
      It seems that what’s on the surface is
thought sufficient, no need to get below the shiny surface. I remember in grade
school one day we learned how to diagram a sentence. I learned how sentences
were put together and acquired another tool to express myself. I thought, this
is power, knowing this gives me power. I know more about using my language.
Now, sentences are no longer diagrammed. In fact, they’re hardly even used.
What use is a sentence when you have only 140 characters to say everything. But
then, why would you need more than 140 characters anyway?
      I guess I just don’t know this place
anymore. I’m a stranger in my own country. I feel like I’m in a country I don’t
know, don’t understand, and actually don’t like. I might as well be in
Indonesia or somewhere.

About the Author

Nicholas grew up in Cleveland, then grew up in San Francisco, and is now growing up in Denver. He retired from work with non-profits in 2009 and now bicycles, gardens, cooks, does yoga, writes stories, and loves to go out for coffee.

Humor by Colin Dale

          Dying is easy, comedy is hard. This deathbed wisecrack has been attributed to a dozen different actors over the years; none of the attributions is provable. Nonetheless, the sentiment has something to say. Dying is unavoidable. But the living from which we harvest comedy—or humor—is sometimes very, very hard.

          I’ve been coming to Storytellers for 11 weeks. I’ve not made every Monday get-together, when I have been here it seems I’ve delivered one bit of silliness after another. I’m pretty sure I’ve convinced you that’s my stock-in-trade. From a lottery winner trying to buy happiness to my queerness measured against the fury of a tropical storm to Hamlet sweating in his pumpkin pants, I’ve probably gotten you to expect every Monday more of the same. Of course, many of your stories have played the humor card, and I’ve loved them.

          But I’ve sat here too most Mondays and listened to one or two stories that have not tried to be funny—stories that have pointed to times in the past when living was hard. These have been wonderful stories and I’ve been privileged to listen to them.

          No doubt, there is great humor in this room. It’s high on the list of the many things that keep me coming back. When I’m not in this room, I find myself too much in a world in which there’s a lot of room for humor. All day long I see people going about with shoulders slumped, mouths downturned, eyes cast to the ground. They may be boundlessly happy inside—although something tells me they’re not. They go about as if they’ve forgotten what a great thing it was to have been born in the first place.

          I come to this room, though, and find myself among people who don’t seem to have forgotten—people who are generally light-hearted, full of good-fellowship, people who are more likely to be merry than morose.

          That said, I have a feeling there’s a history of a good deal of pain in this room. It may not be true for each of us, but, considering the number of years we’ve lived, the common denominator that brings us together—for that matter, the very nature of building we’re sitting in—there’s a good chance a number of us have negotiated some white water in our lives.

          But it would be unfair of me to draw conclusions about humor and pain using your lives as a study group. The self-examined life is just that: an examination of self. The only fair study group is me—my experience of humor and pain.

          First, though, a Surgeon General’s Warning: Confessions by a funny guy of lots of pain in his past are usually boring, filled with clichés, just begging for rejoinders such as “Yeah, tell me about it,” or “You think you’re the only one?”

          But, so what? Here goes . . .

          I survived my childhood; not too much scar tissue to show for it. I’ve given you peeks at my growing up, in a working class section of The Bronx, parents whom I now understand but whom I saw, when I was a kid, as cold and uninspired, a brother 14 years older and already out of the house, making me for all practical purposes an only child, a child scared of his own shadow but still longing for high adventure, your classic stay-in-his-room bookworm who felt safe only in his imagination, puzzled, perplexed, unsure from the start of everything from his gender, later his sexual orientation, and finally and overshadowing it all even his chances of ever being really happy.

          In other words, a perfect hothouse for sprouting humor.

          Robin Williams, on Inside the Actors’ Studio, when asked what in his childhood made him the man he grew into, answered—with a line that drew some unintended laughs: “I just had myself to play with.”

          I laughed too when I heard Williams say that. But you know, when you think about it, having only yourself for a playmate—while it may be okay for some—for many of us—as it was for me—it meant lots of aloneness. In front of my parents, my grandparents, my aunts and uncles, I was the world’s happiest kid, the entertainer, the consummate clown. On holidays when relatives would come early and stay late, I’d maintain from morning until night, smiling throughout, growing more and more exhausted from having to pretend. And when finally the house would clear and I’d be excused from center stage, I’d go to my room, panting like I’d just run a race, and sit there listening to the sounds of The Bronx night: traffic going by on Crosby Avenue, late-night el trains squealing into Pelham Bay Station, planes flying unnervingly low on their approach to LaGuardia. I don’t remember crying on those nights in my room. I’m not crier. Never have been. I would just sit there, listening.

          Thank God we grow up. Of course, for most people, childhood is the foundry that shapes the adults we become. I learned in the foundry of my own childhood that humor made a perfect shield for keeping people at bay, for helping me conceal my true feelings, for lending the appearance of truth to all the lies I would tell about how happy I was, and for providing me with the wherewithal to get through each day. My shield of humor gave me an illusion of normalcy, of maturity, of being an okay guy who had it all figured out. With my shield of humor in place, I could pass myself off as intelligent, intuitive, insightful, your best friend, your concerned co-worker, creative, industrious, a guy who was on top of things, unquestionably masculine, grounded in his sexuality—even if that meant occasionally pretending (I’m sorry to say) to be straight—all-in-all, a healthy, happy, jolly good fellow.

           Relentless humor kept reality at bay. I used other techniques, too—alcohol chief among them. I don’t want to turn this into a story about my addiction—a “drunk-a-log,” as those who’ve been there, done that might call it—but for just a moment, it’s illuminating to know that, at least for me, humor and alcohol, for years, went hand-in-hand. The drunker I got, the funnier I got. Or so I thought. And if I’d start to bomb, lose my timing, I’d simply drink faster. If I ran out of jokes, I’d just drink. If the booze ran out, I’d go home.

          Humor, comedy, joking around is—as Gene Wilder said—a drug; it gives you an endorphin buzz, and with time, you need more and more. It’s a passport, as Wilder said, back to a land you once spent a lot of time in as a child: the unknown. And the unknown, you learned as a child, is where you could feel safe.

          It’s also the place where you could take risks you wouldn’t take otherwise.

          But this isn’t a story about alcohol. It’s a story about humor. So one last mention of the booze . . .

          When I quit drinking, 14 years ago, I found I was allowed to keep my sense of humor. In fact, when sober, much to my delight—and surprise—the humor, the comedy, the joking around got sharper, brighter, more incisive—less cruel, less trashy, less dumb. I found I didn’t need—out of my insecurity—to put down everyone and everything.

          Humor, as someone said—when you first wield your protective shield—is creating an optional universe in which your insecure self can feel at home. As you become more and more comfortable with yourself, you can ease off the humor, take brave steps out of your optional universe, test the air in the real world. Sober, I was, for the first time in my life, comfortable—or reasonably so—in the real world. At the same time, I hadn’t been asked to surrender my passport to my optional universe, the unknown, the place I’d discovered as a child and where I was—and continue to feel—completely safe—safer still, if I’m to be honest, than in the real world.

          So where does this leave me today? It leaves me a citizen of those two best worlds—the real one, in which I’m marginally comfortable, and the unknown, in which my humor continues to germinate.

          But does saying that today I’m a happy citizen of those two best worlds, the real one and the unknown, mean I’ve got it licked? Hardly.

          I live my life now to get back at it all. I live my life now in spite of the past. And I don’t mean that to sound vindictive or combative. Humor is my weapon of choice. I try not to use it against my parents. They tried. They’d been dealt a bum hand and they played it as best they could. I try not to use it against the uninspired environment I did my best to conform to but eventually had to escape. That was the way it was—the roulette wheel of birth. Millions of others were a lot worse off. I’m just happy to have been born in the first place. I try not to use it against the confusion I felt over identity and orientation; the lack of good role models and the guts to speak up. Those were primitive times compared to today. All these things were only parts—parts of a whole, a sum total. It’s the sum total I push back against today, every conscious minute—not with vindictiveness or regret; not even with avoidance. I do it with humor. Humor is my soft revenge.

About the Author

Colin Dale couldn’t be happier to be involved again at the Center. Nearly three decades ago, Colin was both a volunteer and board member with the old Gay and Lesbian Community Center. Then and since he has been an actor and director in Colorado regional theatre. Old enough to report his many stage roles as “countless,” Colin lists among his favorite Sir Bonington in The Doctor’s Dilemma at Germinal Stage, George in Who’s Afraid of Virginia Woolf? and Colonel Kincaid in The Oldest Living Graduate, both at RiverTree Theatre, Ralph Nickleby in The Life and Adventures of Nicholas Nickleby with Compass Theatre, and most recently, Grandfather in Ragtime at the Arvada Center. For the past 17 years, Colin worked as an actor and administrator with Boulder’s Colorado Shakespeare Festival. Largely retired from acting, Colin has shifted his creative energies to writing–plays, travel, and memoir.

Never Never Land by Donny Kaye

          In a time before reality TV and neighborhood video stores; long before Netflix was even a conception because there was no “NET” other than in women’s stockings and the fisherman’s contraption for pulling the resistant fish from its waters, and at a time when we still referred to theatres as just that, I saw Peter Pan. I was probably seven or eight years of age when we rode the bus down Broadway to the Paramount Theatre on 16th Street, to see Walt Disney’s newly-released production of Peter Pan. It was most likely then that I was most able to identify with the thought of Never Never Land, a place best known for eternal childhood and immortality. It seems that in the years that followed I moved farther and farther from the ability to exist in a simpler realm where life was childlike and pretty easy. At that point the world had not totally had its way with me in terms of experiencing society’s harsh need to have me be something other than what and who I am.

          As a seven year old, I was unfamiliar with the story of Peter Pan by J. Barrie and immediately loved the characterizations by W. Disney, especially Peter Pan and The Lost Boys. They were magical and yet the experience of the fairy, Tinker Bell, has remained a favorite in my life. Some time ago when I was considering my first tattoo, Tinker Bell actually showed as a possibility, realizing the fairy has always been of special existence in my mind.

          I must admit that I have never desired reading the unabridged work of J. Barrie. In fact, reading Peter Pan has not advanced to my Bucket List however; I am being inspired somewhat just doing background work on the web, in prep for this story. The stories of Never Land are far more complex than the animated cartoon produced by Disney in 1953. Just as intriguing as Barrie’s original creation, are the interpretations of his work. His characters have become the inspiration for psychological theories regarding men, such as the “Peter Pan Syndrome”, and homoerotic discussions of his characters abound on the web.

          What I do know is that there was a time when my life was a lot simpler. The complexities of my family and those of influence over me had not had their way with me yet. As time went on, I quietly assumed others expectations of me as I denied my own desires and to some extent, my own dreams. Never Land was indeed NEVER Land.

          NEVER Land became an experience in my life which was solely fantasy. It existed in animated characters living in magical scenes complete with original musical scores and at times, experienced in 3-D.

          I remember a condominium time share presentation in Orlando, Florida in which after we had been seated in a handsomely decorated and cozy library-study setting, complete with drinks in hand, the book cases on either side of the fireplace began slowly moving. As the book cases and fireplace gave way to a video presentation that would be screened on the newly exposed wall, Tinker Bell actually flew in through the doorway on the opposite side of the room, sprinkling her fairy dust across the room and onto the newly revealed video screen as an arial shot of Disney World and Epcot Center filled the magically expanding space. That seemed as close as I might get at that point in my life to the experiences of Never Land that were waiting for me in my personal journey towards wholeness. If only it would have been as simple as purchasing a time-share in Disney’s newest resort community!

          I don’t know if Never Never Land equates with St. John of the Cross’s Dark Night of the Soul or Dante’s reference to “awakening in the woods to find yourself wholly lost,” but certainly there was somewhat of a nightmarish quality to Captain Hook’s eventually falling from the gang plank in to the water and the awaiting open mouth of the crocodile.

          Some place near the “stars of the milky way” and “always at the time of sunrise”, there is a “turn just after the second star” that takes a person on a path beyond the experience of Never Never Land. Beyond reference to escapism, childishness and immortality is the experience of unity and wholeness that comes as unresolved emotional baggage is discarded and as a result, unconditional joyfulness is experienced.

          Our nightmares, as well as our dreams all exist within us. We are the creators. We can take inspiration from a fairy tale, such as Peter Pan and fall into the experience of our own surrender and opening to our own desire which provides us our own kind of beauty and richness.

          On the other side of Never Never Land, we can emerge transformed, lighter and brighter, braver and more confident for having moved through the experience of the darkness, the nightmare, or the experience of being wholly lost.

          In my reflections on Never Never Land it seems that there is continual movement between different realms of being. As infants we come to this experience called humanity and are moved between Never Never Land; Always Always Land and eventually, transformation into an experience of our own beauty and richness as spiritual beings having a human experience.

About the Author

Donny Kaye-Is a native born Denverite. He has lived his life posing as a hetero-sexual male, while always knowing that his sexual orientation was that of a gay male. In recent years he has confronted the pressures of society that forced him into deep denial regarding his sexuality and an experience of living somewhat of a disintegrated life. “I never forgot for a minute that I was what my childhood friends mocked, what I thought my parents would reject and what my loving God supposedly condemned to limitless suffering.” StoryTime at The Center has been essential to assisting him with not only telling the stories of his childhood, adolescence and adulthood but also to merely recall the stories of his past that were covered with lies and repressed in to the deepest corners of his memory. Within the past two years he has “come out” not only to himself but to his wife of four decades, his three children, their partners and countless extended family and friends. Donny is divorced and yet remains closely connected with his family. He lives in the Capitol Hill Community of Denver, in integrity with himself and in a way that has resulted in an experience of more fully realizing integration within his life experiences. He participates in many functions of the GLBTQ community.