Reading, by Phillip Hoyle

Mom read to us kids with expression she had developed in high school drama. The five of us liked our introduction to children’s literature and to poetry—especially the poems she had memorized—and others she read out of books. It took a long time for me to start reading much on my own although I did like books, studying the pictures, reading the captions, and sometimes reading paragraphs. Still I didn’t read many books for myself until 8th grade when I discovered historical fiction, chapter books in story form. I soon became addicted to reading stories, a practice that continued uninterrupted until about age 42 when I went on a book fast. For a year I determined not to read any whole books.

My confession: During my fast I did re-read one favorite novel (perhaps Leslie Marmon Silko’s Ceremony) and then allowed myself one new novel (probably on a gay theme).

My success: I turned my free time into piano practice.

My practicality: I still consulted books when I had to teach a class or preach a sermon.

My learning: I already knew enough about the topics I was teaching so began relying more and more on my memory.

Perhaps I had read just too many novels beginning in junior and senior high school, during five years of undergraduate school, during three years of graduate school, and during two and a half years of graduate seminary. None of these books were required reading but they probably did help me keep balance in my life. I read many international books in translation thus broadening my view of the world. I read novels between semesters and years of schooling. I read on family vacations. Plus I read every assigned book and textbook and many more related to my studies.

I’m still at my reading although my practice has changed. I’ve added memoir to my list, also books about writing. I read quite a few books about visual arts as well, but now I spend more time writing and doing visual art projects. (Well I AM retired.) I’m reading books I borrow from several libraries, buy at bookstores, receive from family members, or find at ARC; and I keep reading and revising stories I have written. In my retirement I don’t read five books a week anymore but I often am reading five books at a time. In short, I continue my almost life-long practice of reading, and I love it.

Over the past several weeks I have been reading and re-reading Phillip Lopate’s To Show and To Tell, a fine book on essay writing. Lopate teaches non-fiction writing in the graduate program at Columbia University, NYC. On Tuesday I read through his very long suggested reading list and noted Benjamin Franklin’s Autobiography. On Wednesday I stopped by a used books store and was surprised to find the book on their shelves. Now I’m reading it, tickled by its style, intrigued by its information, analyzing its writing given what I’ve been learning from Lopate and other teachers, and taking note of how one of the founders of our country understood what he was doing. I never expected to read such a book but am so pleased I knew about it, stopped to look through it, and paid the five dollar price. I’m still reading. This book may take awhile.

© 6 November 2017

About the Author

Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.”

He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com

Hope, by Gillian

In my early days of working for IBM, on the bottom rung of the jobs ladder, I had a sign hanging by my workstation. It read,

I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW THAT
I’VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP HOPE.

I don’t know why I found this so amusing, but I did. Of course, as soon as I advanced to the next rung of the ladder I had to trash it, but I and my co-workers enjoyed it at the time – indeed it became quite a catch phrase for a while.

Perhaps it seemed funny at the time because I was, then, so far from giving up hope. I was full of hope and dreams. It was 1966; the midst of the swinging sixties with their promise of change and freedom. I was twenty-four and had a job which paid more than I had ever dreamed of making – eighty-four dollars a week. My future was awash with wonders! I was not to be disappointed. My life became awash with wonders, as it still is.

But the words from that silly little sign have never left my head. They pop up from time to time. There are certain circumstances when I find them to be true. Hope is not always your best friend; certainly not when it morphs into denial. On one visit to England to see my parents, I noticed a certain confusion of thinking in my dad. Oh well! I shrugged it off. He was, after all, in his seventies. It was only to be expected. (He was, of course, the age I am now – something else I would rather not think too much about.) Filled with false hope I returned to Colorado, only to be summoned back across the Pond after a few months, to deal with the reality of Dad’s dementia, which had worsened rapidly. My mother and I were both forced to abandon our hopes that he could remain at home and I set about learning my way through the bureaucracy of the British National Health Care System. I felt much better then, having abandoned all hope. Dad ended up in a facility for those with dementia in what was once the work-house in a local town. It was a very grim-looking building, but inside they had done everything possible to make it bright and cheerful, and the staff was wonderful. And it was free. I don’t think Alzheimer existed back then, and we didn’t have the knowledge of dementia which, sadly, we do now, but I knew enough to know there was no hope; that he would only get worse. The next, and last, time I saw him, he had no idea who I was. That was hard, but nothing like the shock it would have been had I been harboring false hopes.

One of my stepsons suddenly developed juvenile diabetes when he was eleven years old. Out of the blue, no more Xmas cookies, no birthday cake, no more of most of the food he loved. On top of that came the prospect of having to give himself an insulin injection every day of the rest of his life, and having constantly to measure and adjust his sugar levels. He cried. He raged. He threw things. He punched out at any of us who tried to hold him. Then suddenly, after a few crazy days, everything changed. He had given up hope and accepted his new reality. Of course he was not happy about it, but he had stopped fighting it. He is now retired from a lifetime at the post office, living happily in Nevada with his wife and large extended family. He told me once that the only time his diabetes really upset him was on a few occasions when he heard of the possibility of some big medical breakthrough, and felt a surge of new hope only to have it dashed. He had learned that hope was better avoided.

I have known people, and heard of many more, who, on receiving the terrible diagnosis of a terminal illness, were able to be at peace with it once they truly accepted that there was no hope. That is really living in the now, as our spiritual teachers would have us do. Hope is one of many things which prevent our doing that. We can never be fully in the present moment if we are forever dwelling in hopes and dreams of some future moment.

On the other hand, hopes and dreams of that better future can help those who see nothing to be grateful for in their ugly now. We recently watched a TV program, doubtless on PBS, about children growing up in poverty in this country. It was striking how many teenage boys found an incentive to stay in school, and more than that, to do well in their studies, because they hoped to get a football scholarship to college and go from there to professional football. It offered them at least a hope of a way out. What happens when they find they are not to belong to that tiny percentage of footballers, I don’t know. Has hope set them up for a mighty fall, or have they by virtue of that very hope, found some other way out?

What the Tangerine Tyrant did to his voters is nothing short of cruel. (See, I just cannot get through one story without him creeping into it!) He gave gullible people hope; but false hope.

By now most of theirs must be crashing down. Where are the re-opened mines and factories they were promised? Where is the nice clean swamp? And now, certainly, what has happened to that tax break? Oh, it suddenly became a tax increase. And they are about to lose their healthcare. No, he has taken away what hope they had and left them much worse than they were before.

You just have to get your mind off all this stuff, so thank goodness for football season! I don’t care that the Broncos are having the worst season in over fifty years. At least they know how to do it right. They are not only bad, they are spectacularly bad. Every week they fail to disappoint.

Yesterday they managed to have not one but two safeties scored against them. No team has done that since 1961. I mean, how good is that at being bad? Very clearly, they will not turn this season around.

I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW THAT
I’VE COMPLETELY GIVEN UP HOPE.

© December 2017

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.

Fingers and Toes, by Ricky

I’m pretty sure one of the first things my mother and father wanted to know just after I was born was how many fingers and toes I was born with. Apparently, back in the 30’s and 40’s there was much talk among mothers about how someone they knew told them about someone else who knew someone who told how a child had been born with too many or too few fingers or toes. Perhaps the gossip included those who were born with webbed fingers or toes and other birth defects. So, parents were concerned about having a “normal” baby. Nothing about that has changed although the “rumors” about how common those type of defects are seeming to have faded. Nonetheless, when my children were born, I was in the delivery room for each birth and either the doctor or nurse would tell me the finger and toe count without my asking.

Looking back with my senior citizen point-of-view, I can say with confidence that it is not all that important how many fingers or toes one has, or even if they are different from the expected norm. What is truly important is, what one does with the fingers and toes he is given. Many people use their fingers to: create beautiful artwork; construct buildings; drive taxis or buses; win medals as Olympic victors; compose or play outstanding music; write stories based on their life after being given a weird keyword to jog memories loose, and et cetera. Unfortunately, there are also those who will use their fingers and toes for unpleasant or evil purposes, examples of which I won’t bother to list.

I played toe games with my urchins until they became too big for baby games. My two favorite toe games were “Toes to Your Nose” and “This Little Piggy”. Both resulted in smiles and giggling, except the little piggy one which ended up in uncontrollable laughter as the foot was tickled as the piggy went “wee, wee, wee, all the way home”.

Even those with “unusual” fingers or toes can have productive and positive impacts upon their cultures. While serving as a deputy sheriff in Tucson, I had another deputy as my best friend. He was involved in a shotgun mishap as a teenager; losing two fingers on his left hand. Yet he didn’t let that stop him from achieving his goal of becoming a deputy.

It is our reaction to the challenges life places before us that grow our character traits and make us the people we are. Sadly, all too many people fail to grow towards the light and instead emulate the stereotypical ostrich by sticking their heads in darkness and following roots down away from sunshine; their talents and skills either withering away or being used to weaken and destroy.

It is never too late to grow towards the light. Which direction are you growing?

© 30 Apr 2012

About the Author

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com

Family, by Ricky

Families are forever. When we look back down our family tree through our parents’ linage, the roots dig the soil descending to the dawn of prehistory. Looking forward, the branches will produce the leaves of our posterity, assuming that nothing awful happens to prevent our offspring from reproducing. My personal family tree shows periods of good fertilization, cross pollination, reseeding, decay, and pruning. It is very interesting to me as the information I’ve been able to collect turns my roots into very real people with all the hopes, dreams, foibles, vices, and courage to risk all for a better future; and not just a list of names.

According to my side of the family, my great grandfather, John Charles Nelson, at the age of 15, immigrated from Sweden to the US by stowing away on a ship leaving Denmark for the US (or possibly Canada) to live with his older brother in Minnesota. Upon arrival, he probably worked in odd jobs, but in the summer, he was a “migrant” farm worker on various farmsteads. In his twenties, he married Bertha Nordin (pronounced nor-dean) and produced several children by her of which the oldest one was my grandfather, John Leonard Nelson. When John Leonard was 9 years old, his father died in a farming accident but no one recalls how. Bertha’s photograph shows her posing in the style of the mid 1800’s; sitting, wearing a dark full-length dress, hair held tightly up in a “bun”, and with a very stern or “no nonsense young man, thank you” look on her rather plain and unadorned face; no painted hussy this lady.

According to my great uncle’s side of the family, John Charles did indeed emigrate to the US but not from Sweden, but Denmark as they were citizens of Denmark. The only other difference in the story is they report that John Charles died in Cummings, North Dakota, of exposure (hypothermia) during an alcoholic stupor. Many civil records in Cummings were destroyed in a courthouse fire in the early 1900’s. Unfortunately, the local newspaper accounts of the day were also destroyed in another fire around the same time. I have not been able to prove either version correct, yet.

As a rather amusing aside to this story, I was in Bismarck, North Dakota, trying to find an obituary for John Charles as Bertha was living there about the time of his death. While reading an old newspaper, I stumbled across (how does one “stumble across” something while sitting down reading anyway?) a “letter to the editor” containing a complaint directly related to today’s society.

The letter was written by a male shopkeeper, in about 1896, who was walking home after leaving the shop for the day. He wrote he was walking down the sidewalk and decided to take a shortcut through an alley. As he turned the corner into the alley, he noticed several boys, ages running from 6 thru 12, further down the alley. The older boys were paring up the younger boys and having them fight each other with the winner given a cigarette to smoke. He then wrote, “Now I don’t have anything against boys fighting; it’s a healthy form of exercise, but we have laws about tobacco being in the possession of minors and their not being enforced.” In over 100 years our society can’t seem to keep tobacco out of the hands of children. The more things progress, the more they stay the same.

I am sure all my immigrant forefather and foremothers (is that really a word?) were elated to arrive in America and begin building a better life for themselves and their eventual offspring. The result for John Charles, Bertha, and their children was rather tragic whether he died in an accident or due to alcoholism. That event greatly impacted future generations.

I once saw an old black and white photograph of my grandfather, John Leonard, when he looked about 9 years old, standing in snow in front of a farm style shed. He was wearing a parka, pants, and ¾ length boots. When I first glanced at it while searching a box of family photos, I thought it was a picture of me at age 9 on my mother’s father’s farm where I was living at that age. I did a double-take and looked at the photo and realized it wasn’t me or my dad or my uncle. I finally figured it out that it was my grandfather (his features closely resembled his adult photographs). I first thought it was me because the expression on his face looked like I imagined my face looked when my dad told me about the divorce and then left the next morning; a total depressed look of internal sadness.

John Leonard grew up supporting is mother and siblings, also by working odd jobs and as a farm worker. In due time, he married the rather pretty Emma Sophia Unger and fathered 7 children; five boys and two girls. The oldest boy, born on June 13th 1914, is my father, John Archie Nelson. In another tragic event, my grandfather died when my father was 9 years old. I never asked how he died or if I did, I don’t remember. When I was in my teens, I did ask my father if he worried about dying as I turned 9 years old. He said that he did indeed. Fortunately (or perhaps not considering later events involving me), he lived into his 70’s.

My father had to support his mother and siblings with only an 8th grade education acquired in a one-room schoolhouse. He went to school in the daytime and worked odd jobs, one of which was as a “house boy” (according to the US Census), until he was old enough to stop schooling and work on farms as a laborer.

He related to me the following story while driving us across a bridge he helped build during the years of Roosevelt’s “New Deal” (or perhaps after WW2). The bridge was along US Hwy 101 near the California border with Oregon. It crossed a river in a not too deep but wide ravine. To construct such a structure a cofferdam had to be built first to divert the river around the foundation construction site so the concrete pillars could be made secure in large holes below the river’s bottom. One day as he was getting into the “elevator” to be lowered into the hole with the rest of the work crew, the foreman called him out and replaced him with another worker. He was then sent to work on a different area above ground. Later that morning the cofferdam failed and all the men in the pit were drowned. Lucky break for him and indirectly, me.

As WW2 progressed, he was working as a civilian construction worker at Dutch Harbor, Alaska, when the Japanese air force attacked to provide a diversion for their main attack on Midway Island. At the time, he was driving a truck in a sort of convoy along a road by the harbor. The truck three places in front of his was hit by a bomb with the normally expected results. So, once again we were lucky.

Sometime after that incident, he joined the army where he was sent to the European Theater of war. Once there, he was assigned to escort/guard German Prisoners of War (POW) on their voyage to the POW camps in the US. Once the war was over the prisoners by and large did not want to go back to Germany, he said, but they were returned anyway. Finally, he was sent to a base in Texas to await discharge. While waiting for his turn to get out of the army, he had time to obtain a civilian pilot’s license. After discharge, he returned to Minnesota to resume his civilian life. After marriage he worked as some type of factory worker and then as a postal worker and eventually retired from there very gruntled and not disgruntled.

My mother, Shirley Mae Pearson, married him in the Lutheran church in Cambridge, Minnesota, during November 1947. I was born to them 8 months later. That’s right I attended their wedding, but out of sight. Mother was born in her mother and father’s farmhouse in May of 1927 (the same year the first color television transmission was sent and received). She also was educated in a one-room schoolhouse thru the 8th grade and then attended high school in Cambridge. She was “confirmed” into the local Lutheran Church (the same one married in) and kept her faith although not practicing it openly; usually reading the Bible in private. She met my father in Minneapolis where she was working as a (I forget). For obvious reasons, after the wedding, they moved to Lawndale, California, a suburb of Los Angeles.

Mother had a job working for a company that made glues and foam rubber products. In fact, I still use the same pillow she made for me as a child. It has new ticking but still has the original shredded foam rubber inside. I think the company may have been a division of 3M. Anyway, the company’s claim to fame at the time mother worked for them was they made an artificial fluke and the glue to attach it on a whale that lost one off her tail. The whale was named Minnie and ended up living at Marine Land. The slogan was, “Minnie the whale with the detachable tail.”

Tragically, for me, if not for them, they divorced when I was young. During the process, I was sent to live with my mother’s parents on their farm in Isanti County in east-central Minnesota, just a few miles east of Cambridge.

Mother died in her 40’s while my twin half-brother and sister were only 14 (another tragedy) from the effects of liver cancer caused by smoking. I was married by then.

The lesson to be learned from all this; family trees can be blasted by life’s lightning, stressed by heavy winds, damaged in tragic fires, and wounded by lack of water; but still continue to live and prosper when nourished by frequent periods of love.

© 1 January 2011

About the Author

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com

I Still Get a Thrill, by Ray S


As usual my mind drew a blank when the idea of a thrill was confronted.

It occurs to me that the word thrill, like many other descriptive terms, is a matter of relativity. I suppose it depends on how easily one is excited and that of course depends on one’s frame of mind at a given time.

How thrilling was a sunset? How thrilling was last night’s romance? Or how did that hot shower feel this morning? How much of a satisfying semi-thrill was it to find you hadn’t run out of dry cereal or toothpaste and hadn’t forgotten to feed the canary?

I would have preferred to “thrill” this assemblage with some sensational revelation about whatever would prove thrilling to you—this if you were even the least bit interested, much less thrilled.

But in retrospect I do need to acknowledge to you that I am just a wee bit thrilled to be here with all of you today and have you share my pretty un-thrilling trivia.

P.S. just remembered how thrilled I was with the chocolate cup cakes I made and how they tasted. It is another semi-thrill, give or take.

© 25 September 2017

About the Author

Clearly, by Gillian

Looking back over my life, at least the first forty or so years of it, very clearly I saw very little very clearly; both literally and figuratively.

From an early age I wore very thick glasses. Some time in my early to mid-forties I had laser surgery and discovered what seeing clearly really meant. Tests had always shown that I had 20/20 vision via my glasses, but it never offered the clarity with which I saw the world after that surgery. I cried tears of joy the next morning when I realized that I could lie in bed and clearly see the trees outside my window without first needing to grope around on my bedside table for my glasses. Betsy had to walk round the block with me when I first left the house, I was so disoriented. Everything seemed to jump up to meet me; too clear and too big and too close.

Twenty-five or so years later, my eyesight is deteriorating a little, and recently I discovered I have glaucoma, so perhaps my days of seeing so very clearly will be disappearing. Already I wear drugstore glasses for reading. That’s OK. I am just so grateful that I have not lived my entire life without ever knowing the real meaning of seeing clearly.

Oh, and how sincerely I mean that in the figurative sense as well. I could, I guess, have gone through my whole life without ever clearly seeing myself. Many have, many do, and many will in the future. And, yes, I am primarily talking about being GLBT but not that alone. Seeing yourself clearly, with all your complexities, is a serious life-long challenge. There’s an old Robert Burns poem which wishes that we all might have the gift to see ourselves as others see us. Sorry, Robbie, but I don’t see a solution there. Every one of you at this table sees me differently so I cannot imagine much more confusing than trying to see myself as every person I ever meet might see me. On the other hand, when I eventually came out to co-workers and friends there were a few who responded with well duh! looks or well I knew that kind of comments so if I’d seen myself as they saw me I might not have had to wait till my early forties to see it clearly for myself.

A good analogy of my coming-out-to-myself process I now see, looking back on it, as trying to see myself clearly via various visual depictions of myself. You know that famous Malevich painting, ‘The Black Square’? One version of it sold for the equivalent of a million dollars and, with due apologies to all sincere fans of purely abstract works, to me it looks like nothing more than a black square. Well, the first twenty or so years of my life, I might as well have been trying to see myself in that black square. Or as that black square. The more I looked the less I saw of me; hadn’t a clue. Or probably in fact the last thing I really wanted to see was me, and I was perfectly happy to see nothing more than a black square. By my late twenties I maybe had progressed to a vision of myself more akin to Suprematist Composition by the same artist, a jumble of confusion which I actually quite like, if not to the extent of the sixty million dollars for which it sold. I have always quite liked myself, but certainly saw myself as a jumbled confusion at this stage.

In my thirties I progressed to around the expressionism of Munch’s ‘The Scream’. Far from a realistic portrait but nevertheless clearly a scream – something I was feeling ready for about then. I was awash with frustration without knowing why. My life was good – no, it was great – so why wasn’t I satisfied? By my late thirties I had reached impressionism. You know, Monet’s water lilies etcetera, very clearly waterlilies but nevertheless a bit fuzzy.

And suddenly, in my early forties, I took one huge step for womankind; well – for me, anyway.

I saw myself as clearly as in any realist painting but more so. I saw the reality of my queerness with all the clarity of an award-winning National Geographic megapixel photograph.

But that, great breakthrough though it was, was all about being lesbian. I still had plenty more to look deeply into if I was truly to get a clear view of my whole self; all of me.

This group has been of immeasurable help in propelling me to dig really deep inside, to try to really see and understand what’s there and to be at peace with all of it – the good, the bad, and the ugly. Perhaps it explains the lack of appeal which purely abstract art has for me, and at the same time why I love photography. A photo can be so terrible it makes me cry or so beautiful it makes me cry, but I don’t have to wonder what it is, just as I no longer have to wonder who and what I am. I am here, I am queer, and I’m perfectly clear!

© November 2017

About the Author

I was born and raised in England. After graduation from college there, I moved to the U.S. and, having discovered Colorado, never left. I have lived in the Denver-Boulder area since 1965, working for 30 years at IBM. I married, raised four stepchildren, then got divorced after finally, in my forties, accepting myself as a lesbian. I have been with my wonderful partner Betsy for thirty years. We have been married since 2013.

Cooking, by Ricky

Speaking generally, Eisenhower, Bradley, Patton, Marshall, DeGaul, Montgomery, Julius, and I don’t cook; I mostly eat things cooked by others.

I do make a wonderful meatloaf. That is, occasionally it is wonderful. My meatloaf really was wonderful, once. I could never duplicate the recipe as there really wasn’t one; only general guidelines with one secret ingredient. I make it just like my mother did. When she added the spices and “fillers,” she added a little of this and some of that, of whichever spices and fillers were actually on hand in the cupboard.

For one year, I was a “house-husband” in Florida while Deborah, my wife, worked. My children and I ate lots of fried ground hamburger mixed with eggs and corn or peas. I was okay, but the kids grew very tired of it rather quickly. I varied the meals with spaghetti to avoid making excessively boring meals. Of course, I also did my meatloaf with vegetables. The meals must have turned out okay because the kids grew and no one got sick or died.

Earlier this year, I made a lemon-meringue pie from scratch, except for the store-bought crust. I followed a recipe from a cookbook and it came out picture-and-taste perfect.

Years ago, while in the Boy Scouts, I learned to cook enough to pass my Tenderfoot badge requirements. After just one campout trying to cook on a fire using the aluminum mess kit, I decided there must a better way!

The annoying problem with cooking with a mess kit is the cleanup afterwards. I followed the recommendation of the Scout Handbook and coated the bottom of my kit with rubbings from a bar of soap to make the removal of soot easier. I don’t believe it helped at all but if it did, I would hate to clean one that had no soap applied in advance.

After that experience, I discovered aluminum foil cooking. So from then on, I wrapped cut carrots, potatoes, and a hamburger patty in foil and placed it on hot coals until done. I made the meals at home and carried them to the campsite for cooking. No fuss. No cleanup mess. I was back to all the fun stuff in minimal time.

Within a year, I was the Senior Patrol Leader and the oldest boy in the troop. At that point, the Scoutmaster, his assistant, and the occasional father would not only cook for themselves but also for me. I was in scout hog-heaven.

The recent movie, Moonrise Kingdom with its reference to Khaki Scouts makes me nostalgic for those halcyon days of Boy Scouting in my youth – full of energy, no significant cares, out in the fresh-air, having fun, learning or honing new skills, challenging activities, minor cuts & scrapes, meals flavored with nature’s “trail-seasonings,” competitions with other troops, campfire sing-a-longs with ghost-stories or perhaps other stories even some you wouldn’t want your mother to hear about, and probably knowing that the younger scouts looked-up to me as if I were their “nice” older brother.

My heart and head long for those days to become real again, so the memories of them are truly precious to me representing, as they do, the happiest times of my youth.

© 19 November 2012

About the Author

I was born in June of 1948 in Los Angeles, living first in Lawndale and then in Redondo Beach. Just prior to turning 8 years old in 1956, I began living with my grandparents on their farm in Isanti County, Minnesota for two years during which time my parents divorced.

When united with my mother and stepfather two years later in 1958, I lived first at Emerald Bay and then at South Lake Tahoe, California, graduating from South Tahoe High School in 1966. After three tours of duty with the Air Force, I moved to Denver, Colorado where I lived with my wife and four children until her passing away from complications of breast cancer four days after the 9-11 terrorist attack.

I came out as a gay man in the summer of 2010. I find writing these memories to be therapeutic.

My story blog is TheTahoeBoy.Blogspot.com

Tears, by Phillip Hoyle

I’m writing a memoir about my too-brief relationship
with Rafael Martínez who provided me my first experience of falling deeply,
hopelessly in love. Part of my preparation has been to study what writing
teachers say about memoir and, just as important, to read several memoirs. I
read Frank McCourt’s Tis, Kay Redfield Jamison’s An Unquiet Mind,
Mitch Albom’s Tuesdays with Morrie, several excerpts from other memoirs,
and am currently reading Paul Monette’s Borrowed Time.
I began the Rafael project years ago but realized I
was not yet ready to deal with organizing and writing about the experience of
love and loss. The grief was too keenly edged for me to be honest about myself
and fair to everyone else. The events took place fifteen years ago.
Two years ago I started readdressing the project. About
three weeks ago I started reading Monette’s AIDS memoir, a book I had read
years ago. I hoped I might learn a lot. A wealthy gay couple living in southern
California, Ivy League educated, driving around in a Jaguar, an attorney, a
Hollywood film writer living a rather high life seemed like a lot to take in. I
wondered if this story would even touch me.
By contrast, Rafael was HIV positive and poor, helped
a lot by Colorado AIDS Project. His doctors estimated he had about eight years
to go, but what they didn’t know was that he had full-term Hepatitis C. It was
diagnosed only three weeks before it killed him. Monette, while not my favorite
gay writer, skillfully took me to their home, clinic after clinic, test after
test, all experiences I knew too well for I went to such places with two friends
and with two lovers—just not in a Jaguar. Writing about Rafael while reading
this book opened my tear ducts, and I wondered: did I not cry enough fifteen
years ago? It seems likely.
My early weeks with Rafael showed how much we loved
one another and how practical and romantic we could be. I told him I would like
to meet his family before he ended up in the hospital. I was earnest though we
laughed. We thought we had time, but we were wrong. Too soon he was in the
hospital. There I met his younger brother, a very nice Mexican man who came north
on behalf of the family. The parents had learned that Rafael was gay and HIV
positive only six weeks before this hospitalization. The family’s life was in
crisis. Rafael got out of the hospital but then went back in with another
problem. Eventually more of the family arrived. I was caught between my lover
and his family; between Rafael’s insistence that they treat the two of us as a
family of our own, they being guests in our home, and what I saw so clearly in
his mother and father, the needs of shocked parents facing an illness they
didn’t understand and the possibility of losing their son altogether. In short,
I was pushed into an interpretive role of supporting both my lover and his
parents and siblings. I walked that tightrope, one that my ministerial experience
had so well prepared me to walk. And I was helpful. I cried but not much; there
were too many other people needing to be consoled and reasoned with and their
English was so poor and my Spanish functionally nonexistent.
We made it through. I helped them as Rafael was dying.
Still Rafael was strong and helpful and insistent. I was so proud of him. He
took care of his family. He reached out to nurses who were having difficulty.
He reached out to me. And of course, I cried, but not very much, not enough I now
am sure.
I’m carefully reading Monette’s scenes of bedsides,
hospital corridors, tests, last minute trips to favorite places, accommodation
to losses. I read; tears gather and fall.
I’m crying now.
© 16 Oct 2017  
About the Author  
Phillip Hoyle lives in Denver and spends his
time writing, painting, and socializing. In general, he keeps busy with groups
of writers and artists. Following thirty-two years in church work and fifteen
in a therapeutic massage practice, he now focuses on creating beauty. He
volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE program “Telling Your Story.”
He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com 

School, by Pat Gourley

My formal education
stared in 1955 when I was a first grader at St. Peter Catholic School in La Porte
Indiana. My family lived on what was actually a real family farm of about 200
acres growing corn, soybeans, wheat and oats. We had a few milk cows, the
occasional pig, a few sheep and lots of chickens along with a dog or two and
several barnyard cats. The cats had escaped the fate of so many other barnyard felines
and not wound up in a gunnysack full of rocks at the bottom of a horse tank.
What can I say it was a different time and this cat population control was
usually done out of sight from us kids.
It was a short commute from
the farm to the town of La Porte that had three elementary Catholic schools. We
went to the one that served mostly Irish families.
My grandparents both
maternal and paternal were not far removed from Ireland and on my mother’s side
supposedly came from Roscommon County. I believe these grandparents were all
second-generation immigrants from the Emerald Isle, but unfortunately I do not
know this for sure. I should check this out though since if just one of your
grandparents was born in Ireland, even if neither parent was, you are eligible
for Irish citizenship.  This is something
that seems quite attractive these days.
The family had been in
northern Indiana for sometime but being Irish Catholics they had not always
been welcomed with open arms. Family lore included an oft repeated story of a
KKK cross burning at the end of the lane leading to my paternal grandparent’s
home in the early 1920’s. The Klan was very resurgent at that time and Indiana
was a hotbed of this activity. Along with African Americans the Jews and
Catholics were also on their list of undesirables.
By the mid-1950’s and
being quite cocooned in the environment of conservative Catholicism 24/7 we
were fairly sheltered from these blatant forms of racism and xenophobia. I mean
we were after all white living in the very white world of rural Indiana and the
KKK was on the wane by this time. The unrelenting religious brainwashing I was
subjected to in grades 1-8 was in hindsight a form of child abuse no matter how
righteous or well intentioned. Sadly generations had been drinking that religious
kool-aide. My parents, at significant financial cost for a lower middle class
family, felt the burden of parochial school for their kids was an act of love,
a duty even and therefore something necessary. It was after all a bunch of
Protestants who had burned that cross at the family farm several decades
before.
A little over half way
through my grade school years the rumblings of great social change were on the
horizon. For my family this was manifest in the fact that an Irish Catholic was
running for president and the ground truly began to shift when he was actually elected
president of the United States. It was a true miracle, JFK in the White House.
Even his assassination a few short years later could not slow the train of
change.
Again, thanks to
significant sacrifice on my parents’ part I was enrolled in a Catholic high
school in Michigan City Indiana in 1963 called St. Mary. This was a time when
my queer juices were really taking off though the environment of a Catholic
School in northern Indiana was not conducive to supporting this gay
flowering.  Then an amazing thing
happened late in my sophomore year and my family moved to a small farm outside
of Woodstock Illinois, a town best described as a suburban bedroom community
northwest of Chicago.
Thus began what in hindsight
I believe today to be my two most important school years.  Nothing like coming under the influence of a
very politically left-leaning, staunchly anti-war Holy Cross nun and seeking
guidance to deal with my ever emerging gayness from a school counselor several
decades older than myself who was to become my first sexual partner. These two
mentors did more to shape who I am today than all the many other teachers I
encountered over my long and often tortuous formal educational path.
I have written extensively
about these two individuals for this group and won’t reiterate those details
here. Suffice it to say though that my formal schooling continued for years to
come. Those academic adventures included 5 years at the University Of Illinois
at Champaign-Urbana, two years of nursing school at the University of Colorado
and another two years at Regis University here in Denver where I was awarded a
Masters Degree in Nursing Administration. That last one was truly a
masturbatory exercise in how to waste time and money for which I take total
responsibility, the faculty at Regis tried, and they really did.
So by my count that is at
least 21 years of formal education. There are really only two years of that
that mattered and those were 1966 and 1967 when I learned the joys of gay sex
and how to challenge the status quo. The knowledge of gay sex has served me
well, despite the little HIV issue. The importance of being a sexual adept though
seems to fade with each passing year but the ability to hit the streets and man
the barricades continues to be more salient than ever. As an often seen resistence
sign says these days “I can’t believe I
still have to protest this shit”
© 19 Aug 2017 
About
the Author
 
I was born in La Porte Indiana in 1949, raised
on a farm and schooled by Holy Cross nuns. The bulk of my adult life, some 40
plus years, was spent in Denver, Colorado as a nurse, gardener and gay/AIDS
activist. I have currently
returned to Denver after an extended sabbatical in San Francisco, California.

Leaving, by Will Stanton / A Memorial

[This is the last posting submitted by Will Stanton.  He passed into history and memories on 1 January 2017.  He is missed. — Editor] 

Leaving

He was diagnosed with
lung cancer in 1991.  We knew the
inevitable end; we just did not know when. 
Each passing day, each passing year, was, in its own way, leaving.  We both understood that.  Some acquaintances told me, “Why don’t you
leave him?”  I would not, not that
way.  I stayed.
I did not cry as a
child.  My mother told me that, and we
both pondered my difference from other children.  Of course, I felt emotion, but nothing seemed
to drive me to tears.  That changed later.  A special someone came into my life who truly
mattered – – – and then left.  It was the
leaving that changed me.  As the famous
19th-century, authoress George Eliot stated,  “Only in the agony of parting do we look into
the depths of love.”
I always have been
sensitive to others, perhaps unusually empathetic and caring.  That increased significantly after his
leaving, both with people whom I knew, and also even fictional characters in
movies.  If, in viewing well presented
stories,  I become particularly attached
to characters who have deep bonds with each other, I apparently identify with
them, at least subconsciously; for, if they part from each other, either in
having to leave or, perhaps, in dying, emotion wells up within me.  Such deep emotion comes suddenly and
unbidden.  When a good person dies,
leaving the loved-ones behind, the emotion catches within my gut.  When loving, deeply bonded people part ways,
never to see each other again, that, too, deeply moves me.  Again, quoting George Eliot: “In every
parting, there is an image of death.”
I admit it: I never have
come fully to terms with reality, with mortality.  And, I’m not like so many who choose to hold
deep-seated beliefs that this world is merely a stepping-stone to a so-called
“better world,” beliefs based upon common indoctrination and, perhaps, upon
fear and hope,  Oh, I don’t mind so much
the afflictions and death of inhuman humans, those whose cruelty and dire deeds
harm others.  But, it is the good people,
the loving people, people who have contributed so much to the betterment of
humankind, whose leaving distresses me. 
I would be so much more content if they (dare I say, “we”?) did not have
to leave.
I understand and feel the
passionate, poetic lines of Dylan Thomas:
“Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.”

So, with these thoughts
of mine being presented close to All Souls Day (or in German, “Allerseelen”),
with the cold days of December soon upon us, I prefer my thoughts to dwell,
instead, upon our happier memories of May, our younger days, as expressed in
the final lines of Hermann von Gilm poem, “Allerseelen”, “— Spend on my heart again those lovely
hours, like once in May.”
© 23 July 2016 
About the Author 
I
have had a life-long fascination with people and their life stories.  I also realize that, although my own life has
not brought me particular fame or fortune, I too have had some noteworthy
experiences and, at times, unusual ones.  Since I joined this Story Time group, I have
derived pleasure and satisfaction participating in the group.  I do put some thought and effort into my
stories, and I hope that you find them interesting.