I
don’t easily relate to the expression “The Big Bang” because it sounds too much
like a public relations title for a military campaign, religious movement, or
rock group. It lacks the respect that my theistic background would deem
necessary for anyone’s cosmological explanation. Ironically, the idea was first
conceived by the Belgian Roman Catholic priest and scientist Georges Lemaître. Other
scientists kept working with the idea that eventually was called the Big Bang
by some distant relative of mine, Fred Hoyle, for a 1949 BBC radio show on
cosmology. The theory was denounced by most American fundamentalists as
atheistic. Eventually Roman Catholic and protestant proponents of a variety of
creative evolution approaches offered more sanely conciliatory ways to view the
Big Bang idea. There’s much more to it, but I’m not here to philosophize;
rather I’m here to tell a story—the story of my own Big Bang.
don’t easily relate to the expression “The Big Bang” because it sounds too much
like a public relations title for a military campaign, religious movement, or
rock group. It lacks the respect that my theistic background would deem
necessary for anyone’s cosmological explanation. Ironically, the idea was first
conceived by the Belgian Roman Catholic priest and scientist Georges Lemaître. Other
scientists kept working with the idea that eventually was called the Big Bang
by some distant relative of mine, Fred Hoyle, for a 1949 BBC radio show on
cosmology. The theory was denounced by most American fundamentalists as
atheistic. Eventually Roman Catholic and protestant proponents of a variety of
creative evolution approaches offered more sanely conciliatory ways to view the
Big Bang idea. There’s much more to it, but I’m not here to philosophize;
rather I’m here to tell a story—the story of my own Big Bang.
In
contrast to the Big Bang of science, mine did not begin at birth (although my
mother may have had a conservative view of my life as beginning at coitus). My
big bang took place in a San Antonio motel room when I was thirty-two years
old. That night I for the first time got posteriorly assaulted. But do not
mistake my use of the verb assaulted. I wanted it to happen.
contrast to the Big Bang of science, mine did not begin at birth (although my
mother may have had a conservative view of my life as beginning at coitus). My
big bang took place in a San Antonio motel room when I was thirty-two years
old. That night I for the first time got posteriorly assaulted. But do not
mistake my use of the verb assaulted. I wanted it to happen.
My
primordial homosexual atom showed itself present a long time earlier, if not as
early as my mom’s experience, certainly when I began to respond to men as a
sexual, emotional, and relational necessity. My awareness began to take form
when running around with my childhood best friend and learning to kiss with my
male teenage lover. It matured when I experienced what I supposed were
extraordinary attractions to men in my young adult years, feelings that went
far beyond the pangs of sexual desire toward some fuller kind of love like that
described in a poem of the biblical hero David who at the death of his adult
friend Jonathan lamented, “your love to me was wonderful/passing the love of
women” (2 Samuel 1:26 NRSV). I had a quite fulfilling life with my wife and
kids, but still I knew I was missing more, a missing that felt fundamentally
important.
primordial homosexual atom showed itself present a long time earlier, if not as
early as my mom’s experience, certainly when I began to respond to men as a
sexual, emotional, and relational necessity. My awareness began to take form
when running around with my childhood best friend and learning to kiss with my
male teenage lover. It matured when I experienced what I supposed were
extraordinary attractions to men in my young adult years, feelings that went
far beyond the pangs of sexual desire toward some fuller kind of love like that
described in a poem of the biblical hero David who at the death of his adult
friend Jonathan lamented, “your love to me was wonderful/passing the love of
women” (2 Samuel 1:26 NRSV). I had a quite fulfilling life with my wife and
kids, but still I knew I was missing more, a missing that felt fundamentally
important.
That
night in the motel I came to understand something more I needed. That night I
had kisses and the open male-to-male sex I wanted with an adult. The man, a
really bright, educated minister and a passionately expressive lover introduced
me to the complications of gay life I had read about and was in that motel
experiencing. I was thrilled and fascinated. Apparently it was something
different for him as well—not the sex of it—for he had lived in New York City
as a young man and I’m sure there he learned or at least practiced up on the
ways of gay sex. He had settled into a straight life with gay sex on the side.
But the night of my Big Bang he also experienced something extraordinary that
prompted him to say, “I think I could fall in love with you.”
night in the motel I came to understand something more I needed. That night I
had kisses and the open male-to-male sex I wanted with an adult. The man, a
really bright, educated minister and a passionately expressive lover introduced
me to the complications of gay life I had read about and was in that motel
experiencing. I was thrilled and fascinated. Apparently it was something
different for him as well—not the sex of it—for he had lived in New York City
as a young man and I’m sure there he learned or at least practiced up on the
ways of gay sex. He had settled into a straight life with gay sex on the side.
But the night of my Big Bang he also experienced something extraordinary that
prompted him to say, “I think I could fall in love with you.”
Like
in the scientific theory, the bang set off an unending series of results. I was
quite taken by him, especially when he followed up later with a contact to see
how I was doing. His care seemed more than pastoral. I would fantasize much
more from our connection but in a couple of subsequent phone calls I heard in
his voice the workings of guilt feelings. At that point I cut off our potential
affair. I wasn’t going to mess up my marriage and developing career to run
around with a guilt-mongering and perhaps paranoid person even if he was male
and sexy and smart. Besides I already had a man I loved and who loved me
although we didn’t have sex.
in the scientific theory, the bang set off an unending series of results. I was
quite taken by him, especially when he followed up later with a contact to see
how I was doing. His care seemed more than pastoral. I would fantasize much
more from our connection but in a couple of subsequent phone calls I heard in
his voice the workings of guilt feelings. At that point I cut off our potential
affair. I wasn’t going to mess up my marriage and developing career to run
around with a guilt-mongering and perhaps paranoid person even if he was male
and sexy and smart. Besides I already had a man I loved and who loved me
although we didn’t have sex.
The
Big Bang opened me to a world of gay complication, something both like and unlike
the Eden preached by heterosexual-championing, marriage-normalizing clergy and Sunday
school teachers, to say nothing of American culture and law. It taught me that
all life occurs in an expanding universe that is potentially as treacherous as it
can be satisfying. That universe continues to move me into much more life and
imagination. I don’t say this as a slogan, but it has been a never-ending
process of expansion since my big bang night. That expansion is the truth I
continue to live.
Big Bang opened me to a world of gay complication, something both like and unlike
the Eden preached by heterosexual-championing, marriage-normalizing clergy and Sunday
school teachers, to say nothing of American culture and law. It taught me that
all life occurs in an expanding universe that is potentially as treacherous as it
can be satisfying. That universe continues to move me into much more life and
imagination. I don’t say this as a slogan, but it has been a never-ending
process of expansion since my big bang night. That expansion is the truth I
continue to live.
© 22 July 2014
About
the Author
the Author
Phillip Hoyle
lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In
general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two
years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now
focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE
program “Telling Your Story.”
lives in Denver and spends his time writing, painting, and socializing. In
general he keeps busy with groups of writers and artists. Following thirty-two
years in church work and fifteen in a therapeutic massage practice, he now
focuses on creating beauty. He volunteers at The Center leading the SAGE
program “Telling Your Story.”
He also blogs at artandmorebyphilhoyle.blogspot.com
