Aspiring to be one’s
own person is noble indeed. No one would
doubt that. But in my experience growing
up female in America in the mid twentieth century this ideal was indeed elusive
and impalpable to many girls.
own person is noble indeed. No one would
doubt that. But in my experience growing
up female in America in the mid twentieth century this ideal was indeed elusive
and impalpable to many girls.
As a youngster my
mother was my major role model. Other
female role models were my grandmothers, an aunt, and to a lesser extent some
teachers. I consider these role models to be the most important in shaping my
adult persona because it was from these women that I learned who I was meant to
be–or should I say who I was supposed to be.
Put another way, I learned how I was supposed to behave and, more
importantly, how to perceive myself going into adulthood. The women were also
the mirror for me which reflected who I was and who I was to become.
mother was my major role model. Other
female role models were my grandmothers, an aunt, and to a lesser extent some
teachers. I consider these role models to be the most important in shaping my
adult persona because it was from these women that I learned who I was meant to
be–or should I say who I was supposed to be.
Put another way, I learned how I was supposed to behave and, more
importantly, how to perceive myself going into adulthood. The women were also
the mirror for me which reflected who I was and who I was to become.
These role models I
mention were good people. They strove to
take good care of their families; that is, to be good wives and mothers. They
were honest and loving. The roles, however,
were clearly defined. A woman’s role was
to NOT be in charge. In fact it appeared
that a woman in that day in this culture was not even in charge of her own
life.
mention were good people. They strove to
take good care of their families; that is, to be good wives and mothers. They
were honest and loving. The roles, however,
were clearly defined. A woman’s role was
to NOT be in charge. In fact it appeared
that a woman in that day in this culture was not even in charge of her own
life.
As a youngster growing
up the message I got was loud and clear: your happiness and your future welfare
requires, first, that you get a husband and the degree of that happiness and
welfare depends on who the man is that you marry. A woman’s identity, her sense of who she is,
is intrinsic in what is reflected back to her from the people close to
her–especially her husband. I have recently come to realize that many females
of my generation have struggled with their true identity; they have struggled
to “be their own person.”
up the message I got was loud and clear: your happiness and your future welfare
requires, first, that you get a husband and the degree of that happiness and
welfare depends on who the man is that you marry. A woman’s identity, her sense of who she is,
is intrinsic in what is reflected back to her from the people close to
her–especially her husband. I have recently come to realize that many females
of my generation have struggled with their true identity; they have struggled
to “be their own person.”
At the same time, my
growing up experience followed a period of time known as the Progressive Era,
the early decades of the 20th century, which saw the beginnings of huge changes
in the roles of women. My grandmothers
and my mother saw some very obvious changes such as shorter skirts and short
hair, and some movement toward political equality. Women were no longer
expected to be frail and demure and confined to their parlors or their
kitchens. Spurred on by the necessities
brought about by two world wars, women entered the work force and were allowed
to enter professions heretofore open only to men. By mid-century women, especially of the
middle class and the Western World had completely redefined their roles in
almost every sphere of culture.
growing up experience followed a period of time known as the Progressive Era,
the early decades of the 20th century, which saw the beginnings of huge changes
in the roles of women. My grandmothers
and my mother saw some very obvious changes such as shorter skirts and short
hair, and some movement toward political equality. Women were no longer
expected to be frail and demure and confined to their parlors or their
kitchens. Spurred on by the necessities
brought about by two world wars, women entered the work force and were allowed
to enter professions heretofore open only to men. By mid-century women, especially of the
middle class and the Western World had completely redefined their roles in
almost every sphere of culture.
These were huge
changes. Yet they were mostly all
outward superficial changes. I still
received the message from my female role models that if I did not marry, I
would end up unhappy, unfulfilled, and lonely. In other words, I, by myself,
could not create my own persona. I had to depend on others to do that. Most
females I knew received the same message. But for some of us that image of just
who we were and who we were to become did not fit. Many of us had to try it on
before learning that it did not fit. I
suppose this is one reason that so many lesbian woman of my generation were
married and had families and were middle aged before recognizing their own
sexual orientation and their true identity. This and the awareness that came
along with the gay rights movement helped us along.
changes. Yet they were mostly all
outward superficial changes. I still
received the message from my female role models that if I did not marry, I
would end up unhappy, unfulfilled, and lonely. In other words, I, by myself,
could not create my own persona. I had to depend on others to do that. Most
females I knew received the same message. But for some of us that image of just
who we were and who we were to become did not fit. Many of us had to try it on
before learning that it did not fit. I
suppose this is one reason that so many lesbian woman of my generation were
married and had families and were middle aged before recognizing their own
sexual orientation and their true identity. This and the awareness that came
along with the gay rights movement helped us along.
Even today’s women
struggle for power. Many men are threatened by women who have more power than
they. Not all men, but some, feel emasculated by women who have more control
and become more powerful than they at home or in the work place. Is this a
natural happening or is it learned? The
evidence, to me, shows that it is learned since not all men have this insecurity. (I sincerely doubt that any man in this room
falls into that insecurity category.) Again in many cases I suppose it depends
on the role models they followed. I
contend that the woman role models in my life were married to men who did not
have this insecurity. They were not
controlling and overbearing at least insofar as my memory and my experience
allows me to make the judgement.
struggle for power. Many men are threatened by women who have more power than
they. Not all men, but some, feel emasculated by women who have more control
and become more powerful than they at home or in the work place. Is this a
natural happening or is it learned? The
evidence, to me, shows that it is learned since not all men have this insecurity. (I sincerely doubt that any man in this room
falls into that insecurity category.) Again in many cases I suppose it depends
on the role models they followed. I
contend that the woman role models in my life were married to men who did not
have this insecurity. They were not
controlling and overbearing at least insofar as my memory and my experience
allows me to make the judgement.
The women in my life,
my mother and my grandmothers, were products of their culture and reflected
that. At the same time they were
progressive and welcomed the changes and disappearance of the restrictions that
kept them from expressing themselves earlier. Perhaps their progressive
attitudes contributed to my ability to come out later in life.
my mother and my grandmothers, were products of their culture and reflected
that. At the same time they were
progressive and welcomed the changes and disappearance of the restrictions that
kept them from expressing themselves earlier. Perhaps their progressive
attitudes contributed to my ability to come out later in life.
As it turns out neither
of my parents ever learned who I really was. They both died before I came out.
To me this is a sad fact. However, only
mothers and grandmothers who outlive their daughters ever learn who these
daughters FINALLY become.
of my parents ever learned who I really was. They both died before I came out.
To me this is a sad fact. However, only
mothers and grandmothers who outlive their daughters ever learn who these
daughters FINALLY become.
We are constantly
changing hopefully growing and progressing.
If we make it into old age of course our role models are not there to
see how we finally turn out. But it is
for certain that the spirit of the women in my life has been traveling with me
every step of the way and will continue to the end.
changing hopefully growing and progressing.
If we make it into old age of course our role models are not there to
see how we finally turn out. But it is
for certain that the spirit of the women in my life has been traveling with me
every step of the way and will continue to the end.
© 24 Nov 2014
About
the Author
the Author
Betsy has been active in the
GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians
Organizing for Change). She has been
retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities
include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor
with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of
marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys
spending time with her four grandchildren.
Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing
her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.
GLBT community including PFLAG, the Denver women’s chorus, OLOC (Old Lesbians
Organizing for Change). She has been
retired from the Human Services field for about 15 years. Since her retirement, her major activities
include tennis, camping, traveling, teaching skiing as a volunteer instructor
with National Sports Center for the Disabled, and learning. Betsy came out as a lesbian after 25 years of
marriage. She has a close relationship with her three children and enjoys
spending time with her four grandchildren.
Betsy says her greatest and most meaningful enjoyment comes from sharing
her life with her partner of 25 years, Gillian Edwards.
